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About Tehuti
I am an amateur writer of novels, serials, and novellas. Most of my work is in the genres of fantasy, mythology, drama, occult, GLBT, and erotica.
As I'm not seeking publication, I offer my work online for free reading. I'm not seeking stylistic critique so much as feedback from people who just like reading what I write. I love hearing what people think of my characters, plots, themes, etc., so if you have any comments or advice on those, feel free to share. I'm not hugely popular and often go many months without hearing from readers so I enjoy all the comments I get!
My interests are Ojibwa mythology, Mackinac Island, Egyptian mythology, Jungian symbolism and dream interpretation, ritual crime, fantasy writing, and various other things you can find in my personal bio, available just to the right. Please click to learn more about me and what I'm looking for in terms of readers and potential friends.
Feel free to hit me up if you're interested in any of these things, and enjoy my writing!
Tar! :) |
 Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only |
Untitled Tentative Blog-Type Thing Entry #680372, added on 12-18-09 @ 11:44 pm EST
Entry Access Restriction: None.
I sent a short letter to Dianne a while back to try one more time to reopen communication. Received a nice letter from her a while later. Sent a nice longish letter in response. Today received a Christmas card with a short note inside which didn't really reply to anything in my letter, basically just says she hopes I'm doing fine. I reached out to her again in the hopes that we could open real communication, but it looks like it's failed yet again here, too. Yes, she replied, like so many other people have. But what kind of reply? Almost a non-reply. I feel like I wrote an entire letter for nothing, if there's practically no response to its contents, and she's not really left open any means of response for me. Didn't ask anything specific, didn't tell anything specific, just pretty much said she hopes I have a happy holiday and that I'm doing okay. I can't really think of anything to say in response but the obvious, I hope you're doing fine too and happy holidays to you too, which would make the entire "communication" boil down to the meaningless "Hi-how-are-you"s I dread. That's not communication. It's empty parroting that eventually, inevitably, dwindles to nothing and leaves me wondering yet again why I even bothered.
I don't see the point in getting in touch with people if all you ever really feel like saying is, "How are you? I'm fine, hear from you soon." When people ask me in person--and even often online--how I am, I've programmed myself to mechanically reply, "Fine." No matter how lousy I feel. Because people don't want to hear the truth. People don't want real answers or real communication that requires a commitment. It's too much time and trouble. Shooting off a simple "How are you? I'm fine, hear from you soon" is what "communication" boils down to nowadays, and I see no point in it. I really don't want people asking me how I am unless they've already invested enough time and energy in getting to know me through REAL communication for the question to actually MEAN something. (Why do you care how I am or how I'm doing if we don't really know each other? What does it contribute to your life knowing if I'm doing fine or lousy if you have no clue who I am?) If somebody you've just gotten in touch with runs all their conversations like this, you never get to really know each other. You AVOID getting to know each other by keeping it all shallow and superficial, thus you avoid all the effort involved. That's not communication or friendship. I don't know what it is...apparently it suits most people nowadays just fine, but I assume these people already have all the friendships they need. Why take the time to really get to know more people nowadays when you already have what you want? The unfortunate thing is, I haven't managed to find this. Everybody has paired off while I'm left on my own. And no one has time for anything more meaningful than a "How are you? I'm fine, hear from you soon." Which, to me, means absolutely nothing.
Don't get me wrong. I love people asking how I am...when there's other, real communication going on too. I love people asking after me, if we already know each other and I know this person cares whether I'm doing fine or not. But how often does that happen? If all I ever get from somebody is this trivial shallow stuff, then I'm just going to clam up and give up. The guy who e-mailed me did this, Mya did this, other old "friends" from Facebook keep doing this, Dianne basically did this, I can't count how many times people have done this, I guess because they already have all the friends they need. I just wish I understood why they bothered me when they didn't want to take the time or commitment to really get to know me, but I guess that's not ever for me to know. I also wish I knew what it takes for me to find somebody who really cares to keep real communication open. I just always seem to show up too late. I came along in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nobody needs me. So I wonder why I'm here.
I wish I hadn't bothered sending her another stupid letter. The only reason I did was because I was so desperately lonely, especially now with whatever this condition is, and since she too has an illness I thought maybe she would understand. But yet again there's just the empty "How are you? Hope you're doing fine, bye" with no real attempt at further communication behind it. I feel like such an idiot, thinking over all the long letters and e-mails I've written numerous people over the years. All the things I said, all the things I shared, all the times I poured my heart out to people who only had time to say, "Sorry I didn't have time to reply to all that, but I hope you're doing fine, hear from you later" in response. People who probably had little time or interest to read even a fraction of what I wrote, people who probably thought about how stupid and desperate I must be to write so much. I'm so stupid. I have so much I want to share with people, with the world, so much that I could never hope to get it all out, I've been holding it in so long, but nobody cares to hear it. Not only that hurts, but the fact that I've tried so many times, and have been rebuffed so many times, that hurts. Not knowing why I'm even here if my life means nothing to anyone else, that hurts. Not having a purpose really hurts. Everyone else seems to have one. I don't understand why I don't. Why I continue to wake up every morning.
I really thought there was a time people really communicated, and my life really mattered to someone besides myself, but something happened and I don't know what. I don't understand why I became so meaningless. Not understanding hurts.
Having tried so many times, only to achieve nothing except to grow to hate myself, really hurts. What am I supposed to find any meaning in if not in myself?
I might not post in here for a while anymore. It doesn't seem to be doing me much good, so tar.
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This page last updated 11/11/09. Still under construction so may change at any time.
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