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About Tehuti
I am an amateur writer of novels, serials, and novellas. Most of my work is in the genres of fantasy, mythology, drama, occult, GLBT, and erotica.
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My interests are Ojibwa mythology, Mackinac Island, Egyptian mythology, Jungian symbolism and dream interpretation, ritual crime, fantasy writing, and various other things you can find in my personal bio, available just to the right. Please click to learn more about me and what I'm looking for in terms of readers and potential friends.
Feel free to hit me up if you're interested in any of these things, and enjoy my writing!
Tar! :) |
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Untitled Tentative Blog-Type Thing Entry #697129, added on 05-24-10 @ 11:47 am EDT
Entry Access Restriction: None.
Typed up last night and the previous nights.
I haven't had the heart lately to describe how my last visit with the urologist went. I've decided he's useless as a doctor; I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and think that maybe he just had bad bedside manner, but after the last meeting, I find him a lousy doctor as well, and unable to help me whatsoever. He started out by asking me if the hydrodistension had worked. ! He'd only put like seven frigging ounces in there! My mother had apparently misunderstood most of what he'd told her, which is one big reason why I wish he'd waited for me to wake up and had then told ME how things had gone--he never even showed me the pictures of the ulcer during the meeting. I said well, it hadn't helped any, I hadn't even thought that was considered a hydrodistension. I thought the whole frigging point of hydrodistension was to STRETCH THE BLADDER BEYOND ITS CURRENT CAPACITY AND BACK TO ITS NORMAL CAPACITY, not to just fill it up as much as it can currently hold and then give up! I could have told him it could only hold at maximum around six ounces! And now he's asking me if it helped? I tried to ask him if he hadn't filled it further because of the ulcer but he kept interrupting me and brushing me off so that was never answered, to this moment I don't know why he didn't stretch it out more, he just said my bladder has gotten very small over the years and probably the only thing that could fix it is bladder augmentation surgery...which he doesn't do. Apparently, places where they do this are rare, and the nearest one...is in Ann Arbor. Way downstate. In short, the place he tried to shuttle me off to months ago when I insisted on his help.
What is the f**king use of this so-called doctor if he doesn't even do bladder surgery? Doesn't even do a real hydrodistension?
I started crying at this point, right in front of him, I was so angry and frustrated. He didn't even notice or care. He mentioned (only because my mother brought it up) the option of bladder instills--putting medication directly into the bladder, because only like 2% of Elmiron gets metabolized by the body into the bladder, no wonder the f**king stuff isn't working. I've been on it only FIVE OR SIX FRIGGING MONTHS now. No change. He said this is a procedure he can do (oh, you mean he actually does some procedures?--amazing)--then he said, "We'll just keep you on the medication and schedule you to see me again in another three months to see if it's changed any."
No F**KING way!
I spoke up--or at least, tried to. Told him I really wanted my bladder to hold more fluid. I even said, "I read that Elmiron doesn't get rid of ulcers, it just helps prevent them," which I had read at Wikipedia, but he brushed that off with "Well, that's not really true," but didn't bother elaborating, yet when my mother asked where we could find more info on interstitial cystitis (because apparently, it's too much effort for HIM to explain it to us), he said we could look online! Can you believe it? But that was exactly what Wikipedia said about Hunner's ulcers, that bladder instills were just for pain management, and Elmiron coats the bladder wall to help PREVENT them, but to get rid of them, you need to cut or burn them out (and since that would involve effort, I doubt he does that, despite being a UROLOGIST). Remember I was still assuming the ulcer was the reason he refused to distend my bladder because he wasn't exactly giving me the reason. In any case, I tearfully said I want my bladder to hold more fluid.
I kept trying to speak up and say I wanted to take the next step, the bladder instills or whatever--cripes, I would go straight to the surgery, because I tried to ask him, "Is there any chance the medication will help my bladder hold more fluid?"--recall in my earlier entries that he himself had claimed it WOULD, but here he was saying that apparently, no, it won't, only surgery would help! But he never answered this question, just kept brushing it off and interrupting me. Seriously, I tried like two or three times to tell him I wanted to try something else, and he kept interrupting me obliviously with, "I'll see you in another three months to see if there's any improvement, and you can think about what you want to do in the meantime."
I was ready to scream, "I DON'T NEED TO F**KING THINK ABOUT IT!! I can barely sleep, barely go places, barely drink, barely function, I'm f**king ready to get my f**king BLADDER TAKEN OUT if need be, just to FIX THIS!!" Seriously, if HE were the one who can't sleep half the time without bathroom trips every ten minutes, who can't go on a long drive (and he does lots of procedures out of town from what I hear, I wonder if THEY'RE any use to their patients) or a trip or even go to see a movie, who can't drink more than 30oz of fluid a day no matter how thirsty he is and even that is too much half of the time, who can't even sit comfortably for over a half hour, and oh yeah, who LOSES LOTS OF FLUID ONCE A MONTH, would he be so blase (accent over the e, look it up) about "waiting another three months and thinking about it"?
He even had the gall--get this--to pretty much tell me I'm well off compared to others. He had asked me how my symptoms had been doing lately and, since I hadn't been losing much water, I said I was able to go a half hour to an hour without using the bathroom. Remember, that's how I had been doing lately--and it was a deterioration over how I was when this started, when I could easily go an hour. My bladder has been very sensitive lately. Toward the end of the meeting, he said that I was actually pretty well off compared to other people with this disorder because I could hold my urine in for an hour! Never mind that when I lose water weight, or drink more than a tiny bit, or heck, even for no real reason whatsoever most of the time, pee a "normal" amount, I CAN BARELY EVEN MAKE IT TEN MINUTES! Stupid jackass HAS my records of the past HALF YEAR of me telling him all this, he has my urine output log, he knows I can only hold 4-6oz, so yeah, when I'm letting out more than 2oz an hour it drives me crazy, and he's telling me I'm pretty well off? I'd like to see if YOU were pretty well off if you had to stop someplace and pee every 7-10 minutes on one of your 2-hour drives out of town for your procedures elsewhere.
I at last got him to shut up long enough in his interruptions and brush-offs to say I would do the stupid bladder instills, though they will do me no good based on his own comment that only surgery will help, so I don't even know why he suggested them. But I guess I have to cover every base. Apparently they instill Elmiron (you have to provide your own pill) and some other things into the bladder and you try to hold it in for a half hour, though it could be too painful or irritating to do so, and you return to have it done two weeks later, for four treatments, which I guess means an eight-week course of therapy. Two months. Taking me well through the summer. I can only guess that I'll have to put up with having yet another summer ruined, an entire sweltering summer of drinking next to nothing and probably ending up going next to nowhere, before likely ending up needing surgery in autumn, IF I'm lucky. My mother said my first trip to Ann Arbor (no clue how I'm going to get there yet, of course), they won't do the procedure, it'll just be info gathering. I want to demand of the urologist or whoever when this gets scheduled that I am only going down to Ann Arbor FOR THE ACTUAL PROCEDURE and if they need my frigging blood pressure and pulse and all that junk they can do it here or someplace closer to home, I CANNOT AFFORD TO GO ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE JUST TO BE TOLD THEY'LL SCHEDULE MY SURGERY ANOTHER DAY. Seriously, all I have is my parents, who both work fulltime--my dad would probably have to stay home to care for the cat, that's a thought that concerns me the most, I can't leave him on his own for who knows how long--so that leaves my mother and her trashy little car which is on its last legs. They would have us drive like six or eight hours or so just to take my pulse and blood pressure and say, "Well, we'll fit you in next month"? Hell no. If they themselves really must get that info in person they can just do it the same day as the procedure. That's not too damn much to ask of them, considering how much is being asked of ME. But I know my luck, and of COURSE we'll probably have to make two or more trips down there for stupid shit they could just as easily get done up here. That's just the way my life goes, isn't it?
My first procedure is scheduled for Monday and I dread it so much--no general anesthesia this time, just a local, and based on my last experience with something being stuck up my urethra, it's going to be horrible for at least a day or so. I have no idea if this will worsen it or not. I'm not counting on it helping at all. Just on worsening or doing nothing. With my luck it will worsen things. I keep trying to boost myself, saying, maybe I will luck out enough to go to the island or someplace else on a rare day when my urination is low, and walking around will keep it at bay even longer, and if it really gets bad I can try to find a private spot in the woods since there are many such spots on the island (though nowhere else, I'm afraid), but then reality hits again, I've just been disappointed so many times, by now I just want my bladder out and a catheter put in, just to be able to go through a day without feeling like I have to pee every few minutes. I bet you feel like you have to pee even WITH a catheter. That will be my luck, ending up with a cystectomy and a catheter and still feeling this misery. If that's so, I really think I want that to be the end of it all. I'm tired of suffering. I would far rather have pain than this. I can handle some pain.
So that's why I've determined my urologist is absolutely useless as a doctor. Even if he couldn't do anything to help me, he could at least act like he cares that I'm suffering so much, but he can barely even give me the time of day, can barely even answer a question, just keeps brushing me off as if he can't get rid of me fast enough. You know, even that's an overstatement. Wanting to get rid of me fast would imply that he cares on some level, to get rid of me. All I sense is utter indifference. Like I'm barely even there. Like he thinks he's talking to an imbecile so nothing he says will be processed so why even bother. I might be ignorant, but I'm not an imbecile. I've actually tried to learn a bit about this, to help in my own treatment. I believe in doing that. Apparently he doesn't think I'm capable of such thought. So not only is he bad with bedside manner, but he's utterly useless as a doctor. Probably the very best and most useful thing I could ever get out of him is a referral elsewhere.
I've started walking around all the nearby blocks of the area to see how long it takes me and how I tolerated it. Most walks seem to take slightly over an hour, oddly. The walk down the highway, then up G. Road and then the side road back to home takes only fifteen minutes, since it's just a little sliver of land between roads, the corner of which at which we live (that's very bad phrasing, apologies), but the other routes are longer. I finally walked down the side road and northward along G. Road, which I haven't taken in years, not since I used to ride my bicycle (I would pretend I was Gold Rat, zooming down the hill on his motorcycle), and it was strange to see what was the same and what had changed. It's very peaceful back there, flat and open for the most part, farmland with houses along the road and some trees here and there, and easier to walk than the dirt road to the tracks since it's paved. The walk to the junction with SR Road and back home takes about 45 minutes. I then walked all the way to the end of G. Road, past the junction, to the dead end (most roads around here seem to be dead ends, symbolically enough), since I used to bicycle down there past a cow pasture and I recalled a distant grove of trees that was so charming looking to me, but the cows were no longer about--it looked like perhaps the field had been converted to crops though I'm not sure--and the distant grove wasn't the same, and the land was so very flat and wide and lonely that I didn't like this part of the route. The wind was blowing--it was warm but all I could think of was what it must be like way out here in winter. It's not too far from my own home but it seemed like I was on the Plains or something, it must be absolutely dismal in winter. Plus, as I passed one house set far back from the road, a man standing in the yard started walking quickly toward the road in my direction, and that made me terribly anxious, especially seeing as there seemed to be nobody out here for miles around. I walked faster to the end, trying to look unconcerned, and spotted a house under construction with a couple of guys hammering on the boards, so I told myself that if I had to scream, perhaps those two would hear me, but still, I didn't feel at ease until I had turned around, passed that guy (who was out of sight by the time I passed again), and had made it back past the junction and to civilization. I kept peering surreptitiously over my shoulder, fearing he would be right behind me, but no such thing occurred. I decided to omit the far end of G. Road from future travels. That walk took about 1:20 minutes or so.
On one of my walks along G. Road, a truck slowed down to accost me and an old couple within asked if I could give them directions; in dismay I told them I'm awful with directions, but that didn't convince them and they asked if I could point them out to some nearby restaurant or inn whose name I didn't recognize. I said sorry, I had no idea, and they drove off to the end of G. Road. I would have explained to them that I only lived just around the block and don't drive or travel anywhere and this was the furthest I'd walked from home for quite a while, etc. etc., but of course people don't wish to hear such drivel. When I told Dad this story later on he said the location in question had changed names and was nowhere nearby so these people were way out of their range. I don't know if they ever found it. I wish people would not ask me for directions.
The walk down G. Road, to the junction, then turning west up SR Road and taking that to the highway and back home took about 1:10 minutes. I could have sworn I'd taken this route perhaps once by bike years ago since I recalled going on the highway once that way (never did again, the cars speeding by my bike made me too nervous), but the landscape along SR Road was totally unfamiliar to me. More open farmland and distant houses, then trees such as those that grow near water--willows and such, since the river wasn't too distant--then I arrived at the highway and that was the only familiar part, since we always pass SR Road on the way into town. SR Road was moderately peaceful to look at, but had more traffic than I'd expected.
A long while back I walked down the dead-end dirt road past the tracks, to where it ends and meets some other, paved, road, then walked back; this walk took about 45 minutes. On a second attempt, around noon, I passed an old woman going out to her mailbox wearing only a robe. She laughed and said, "Nobody ever comes down here, so I'm not even dressed!" at which I hurriedly apologized. That's just the sort of luck I have, to embarrass this poor lady when I was just out for a walk. I guess that just shows how isolated it is down there.
I walked down the dirt road to the tracks and headed on my old route north, then, instead of continuing to the railroad bridge of my D Is For Damien stories, turned onto SR Road (which intersects the tracks as well as G. Road); just as I was reaching it, I was surprised by an elderly man walking toward me, also out enjoying the nice weather, though I was highly anxious that, like the man out on G. Road, he would pounce on me once we passed. He smiled and said hello and continued on his way. I've never met anyone else on that trail so that's why it shocked me so much. I kept peering back at him over my shoulder till I reached SR Road and turned toward the highway; as soon as I reached it, a female walker approaching along that road nodded and greeted me as well and we both passed on our way. This was before the trees were in bloom; it hadn't rained in ages and was very dry, yet the soil along the tracks was damp enough for my feet to sink, and the swampland surrounding the trail was full of odd sights and sounds I'd never noticed before, so strange. That walk took about an hour and a half.
Most recently I took the dirt road to the tracks then headed south rather than north, where I recalled the land falls away so the tracks form a sort of bluff through the landscape, and it's so very isolated it's almost like being on the island aside from hearing the dull distant roar of traffic on the highway. It was so peaceful and sunny, and the mosquitoes weren't out yet to torment me like they did the last time I attempted to head this way. The land was level at first and the woods were full of birdsong of all kinds; then I reached the "bluffs" leading down into swampland on the left and pine woods on the right, then the land leveled out more and I was surprised to hear gurgling water, like a spring, so stopped to peer into the pine woods and saw a stream coming out from under the path. That hadn't been there, or else I hadn't noticed it, my last time this way. It was just runoff from the opposite side, but still, it was peaceful, and I did wish I could get a better look at it. But everything beyond the trail is trespassing, unfortunately. Then I at last passed a few houses and reached OB Road and took it back to the highway--the tracks in fact continued on the other side, but I sadly eschewed them as I always have, especially now that my bladder is so small, and headed back to familiar ground and took the highway back home. That tiny glimpse of the wooded track on the other side was so enticing. *sigh* That walk took about 1:10 minutes, yet again.
So I've been around all the blocks lately out of sheer boredom and loneliness and whatnot. On my walk along G. Road and up SR Road to the highway I passed two people, a woman checking her mail (actually she was mowing her lawn, and just HAD to cross the road and stand waiting for me to hurry past before opening the box, the moment I arrived), and a man trimming his lawn (he, too, stopped trimming and waited for me to hurry past), and neither said hello, which I found odd. I long to take SR Road east where it intersects with G. Road, as I've never gone that way; or to explore SA Road, a dirt track along G. Road which I know from a bike ride years ago goes way out into the country to a corner store I once knew; or to explore the tracks beyond OB Road; but I just don't have it in me. My legs could tolerate it just fine; but not my bladder. I'm confined to this small parcel of land.
Continued the next night. Complained to Psychologist (after the usual near-hour spent talking about the bladder, as always, I'm so sick of this bladder taking up all my waking thoughts) about the lack of response from the person she thought might get in touch with me; she said this person has been having extreme difficulties with life lately, which made me feel very bad yet still frustrated--I try to be the good person and sympathize, and I really do, but still, it frustrates me. I'm so used to people insisting to me that they'd LOVE to keep in touch but OH they're just so busy with other things, then I see them frittering away time doing trivial things when they could just as easily be writing to me. (And that's when they even bother to let me know they can't keep writing to me, most people just start ignoring me.) I've spent my life giving other people the benefit of the doubt, and I always end up being made the fool because of it, because I've learned that the majority of people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt; at least, I've had the luck to deal with the ones who don't. Deal with nine people who say they'd LOVE to keep in touch with you but they're SO dreadfully busy, and then see them chattering away and gaming cheerfully online for weeks on end, then of course you're hardly going to believe the tenth person who says they'd love to keep in touch but they're so busy, and it turns out they honestly are. It's not that tenth person's fault, but it's not the first person's fault either for coming to believe as they do. It's those other nine people who don't know how to just be honest and say, no, they really don't want to keep in touch, they're sorry they got in touch in the first place. It's easier to just lie, and then avoid dealing with the person you've lied to. You'd think they'd at least have the decency to PRETEND they're busy, and not play and chatter around with other people right in front of me like I'm an idiot, but that would involve effort, and I'm not worth that effort. Like with the urologist. See now why I believe I'm so insignificant.
Sorry about that, I'm just so incredibly sore about it all. I hate coming across as so selfish and uncaring and bitter. I hate that people like that helped make me this way. I want to be the nice caring person who gives others the benefit of the doubt, and doesn't come across as clingy and demanding and ungrateful, I want to be the caring person that others really DO want to turn to, but I just no longer know how. Or rather, I've grown too used to being hurt, so it's easier to just be selfish and ungrateful, because maybe then these people won't get in touch with me unless they really mean it. I think of snapping turtles. They have their hard shell and they can draw partly into it and bite off the fingers of anyone who pokes too close, but they have very soft bellies underneath all that. The only disadvantage is, when you've learned to put up an unwelcoming shell around yourself as much as I've done, and to snap at anyone who approaches, eventually even the people who do care will stop trying.
The young raccoon who poked about our porch returned, again in the light of evening, and I chased him into the tree in the front yard, standing helplessly below as he crawled his way up and wedged himself in a fork high above me. He stayed there for quite a while, just a round furry ball with a striped tail visible way up in the tree; when he at last started to crawl back down, I was watching him through the living room window and went to fetch the camera since he looked so funny coming back down, all furtive like, and Dad watched while I took pictures. Halfway down he spotted me and grew very still, staring back; I waved, and he furtively crawled his way partly back up.  Then climbed all the way down a while later while I took more pictures, and started creeping across the yard. I waved at him again to warn him away from the porch and he did this weird...little thief dance-type thing, sneaking sideways and keeping his face toward me as he crept out of sight. It was so weird. He tried to approach the porch again and I had to go out and shoo him away into the woods. He returned repeatedly the next evening; I ran out to yell at him, and waved the broom, but he merely retreated to the sidewalk several yards away and then turned and stared at me blankly. It was so infuriating! I'm used to animals running when you yell and wave things at them, but he didn't budge an inch! I advanced on him and he retreated, but again just a bit, and again turned back to stare at me. I wondered if he were sick, so was careful shooing him off into the woods, but Dad told me that's how raccoons are, they will just stop and stare at you as if hoping you'll leave them alone, or as if to reproach you for daring to scare them away. When he approached the porch once more that evening I hurled myself outside with a bellowing "YAAAGGHHAAAA!!" which made my mother laugh and he hurried away and I saw no more of him until after dark, when I again shooed him away and that was that. He hasn't been back since, which I find strange. Today (Friday) my mother and I passed a dead raccoon, belly up, along the highway, but Dad says it was too far away to be "our raccoon." I wonder if he was an orphan since he was only smallish and on his own and seemed quite reproachful and self-righteous about being chased away. Dad did toss out an old bagel (which I moved across the driveway, not wanting to tempt the raccoon into coming back to the porch), which went missing the next day, so somebody made off with it.
From what I've only recently learned (apparently it was quite abrupt) my beloved Law & Order, after this Monday's episode, will be no more. Stupid Dick Wolf, that's the last time I defend you.  The only non-reason I saw for the "cancellation" (I'd more likely call it retirement, can you really call it cancellation when it's been on like twenty years?) was that the New York setting has gotten too overdone and old hat, so they're going to restart it in LA. What a stupid-ass reason. The show isn't totally about the location, it's about the CRIMES taking place in that location--a murder is a murder whether it's in NY or LA so why does a change of venue (and a complete change of cast, I'm going to miss Sam Waterston and Linus Roache and Alana De La Garza and Jeremy Sisto, mostly Jeremy Sisto (I had a nice dream about him once), I've long grown tired of S. Epatha Merkerson and her melodramatic offtopic cancer subplot) make them think this will boost ratings any? Need I mention L&O: Crime & Punishment or Trial By Jury? Even I hated those bombs. Plus I'm sick and tired of all the shows that have to set themselves either in Miami or someplace out west where it NEVER FRIGGING SNOWS OR EVEN RAINS, seriously, they MUST get snow or even merely lousy weather (and I do NOT mean hurricanes, or tsunamis, or wildfires, or all those other stupid things CSI: Miami keeps pulling out) there ONCE in a blue moon, but you'd never know it from watching TV. At least NY is more realistic and relatable to Midwesterners like me. PLUS, I see the tendency of lots of such crime shows lately to make location TOO MUCH a part of the plot, like the CSI programs (which I gave up on long ago, they got way too stupid, see the above re: hurricanes/tsunamis/wildfires), so actual plot is sacrificed while they focus on OH LOOK PRETTY WATER! and look somebody died in a totally outlandish way, only in Miami/LA/wherever! Gag. I saw the first advertisement for L&O:LA yesterday, I think, but was still hoping for the original to stick around since they kept referring to it as the season finale and not the series finale, but today they showed an ad proclaiming it merely "the finale," so I guess that's it. Stupid Dick Wolf and his non-reasons. Yeah I'll tune in to L&O:LA but only to fill in the void. Meanwhile, USA has yet to renew L&O: Criminal Intent from what I've heard (is it just me or is Jeff Goldblum capable of playing only one character and the same character in everything he acts in??) and TNT has yet to renew to keep showing the L&O reruns. And Universal or whatever is too stupid to release all the existing seasons of the original series to DVD just yet. Seriously, I went looking for them hopefully at Amazon and they have released only Seasons 1-7 and 14 or some such. Stupid asses all around. Me going through all this crap already and now no more L&O to top it off.
Continued the next night. Ugh, just chased off that damn raccoon again so I guess he isn't out of the picture yet. Annoying thing.
I know I had a lot more things to at least touch on but can't recall them now that I've taken the time to actually write an entry. I'm still jonesing heavily for Lovecraftian fiction and am trying to collect a few books, mainly Chaosium's, but am currently starting on William Hope Hodgson's (I can never be sure if I'm spelling his name correctly) collected works. I read his "The House On The Borderland" a long while back at Project Gutenberg. I recall it was terribly fascinating and bizarre, but then it just...ended. And I was so furious. The story is told in "discovered manuscript" format, as far as I recall, so on the one hand, the lack of an ending fits in, but on the other, he spent all this time and energy building up to this really bizarre finale that just didn't happen. For example I vaguely recall the narrator, while dwelling in the mysterious house in question, sees this valley or something with these giant figures in it, one of which somewhat resembles the god Set or some such, but it's never explained just WHAT these beings are, or what all is going on throughout the entire story. No explanation. Just lots of really weird scenery and happenings. And that royally pissed me off. At least Lovecraft, for example, gives you some idea of the reasoning behind things in his stories, even if not the ENTIRE story. Anyway, I'm currently reading another work of Hodgson's, "The Boats Of The Glen Carrig," and although fascinating, I'm getting the strong feeling it's going to be much like the other story in that it details a lot of weird happenings but then never really explains exactly what's going on. I guess I'll just have to see.
I finished Arthur Machen's "best of" works by Chaosium prior to this; I'm a bit iffy on him. On the one hand, he has the most gorgeous descriptions of the Welsh countryside with the limestone hills and deep woods and hidden springs and whatnot, and his earlier (I think) "little people" stories are really quite interesting, but on the other hand, like Hodgson, he often tends to suffer from underexplanation, just having something weird happen and then leaving it at that. That might make for interesting nonfiction but it doesn't work so well for fiction. The introductions to his books explained why he was like this--he was more of a religious, mystical person and despised science and its tendency to break everything down into its component parts--but still, when reading a story, it's frustrating for there to be so little...what's the word I'm looking for? Not climax, nor denouement ("denouement: final revelation: a final part of a story or drama in which everything is made clear and no questions or surprises remain," from the MS Works dictionary), though the latter might come close. No tying together of loose ends. Even in a story where he did explain everything--it was about a guy's doppelganger appearing to a group of people far away investigating a haunted house--there was still the question, "Well, that might be what happened, but why did it happen?"--seriously, the only reason it was explained at all was because one character talked to the guy in question and pretty much explained it all to him in a straightforward, rather infodumpy manner. "You know, Sir So-&-So, you may have experienced what's known as a 'phantasm of the living,' here is a summary of various other known cases of such, bla bla bla..." Not making for really great storytelling. Not really HORRIBLE, but not really great, either. In his earlier stories like "The Great God Pan" and "The White People" he was frustratingly vague and left too much open ended, IMO, but at least it made more sense in that context, and more was explained so it made for better stories. I get the feeling from a lot of his works that he started out wanting to tell a story but got tired of the traditional story format so just kind of told some random events (seriously, he often derails in the middle of his stories to tell other stories that have no actual connection to the current plot, and sometimes forgets to return to the original story) and then got tired even of that so stuck on a "The end." So some of his work is really good but it's also really frustrating and unsatisfying in many ways. Oh, he also terribly relies on coincidence of the most outlandish sort in some of his stories, too. It's amazing how he'll have all these characters randomly meeting in a huge city like London and it turns out they're all connected to the same case. I was willing to overlook that if the story was interesting enough (as in "The Three Impostors"), but still, it was goofy. And I'm still wondering what the heck all the stories-within-stories in "The Three Impostors," while quite entertaining, had to do with anything.
I wonder why Del Rey has not issued a reprint of Weird Shadows Over Innsmouth seeing as they did a reprint of Shadows Over Innsmouth, which is itself already out of print so I had to obtain used. The Wikipedia page on this book has no info about the reprint; I should leave a note on the talk page requesting that. Not terribly motivated though.
I just realized I made a big error in my earlier entry regarding the game Alone In The Dark. Firstly, I think the computer game (the most recent one which I thought was based on the movie) was released BEFORE the movie, but it's hard for me to tell since I'm familiar only with the ORIGINAL game, which had nothing to do with the movie but for the title and the main character's name. Secondly, while browsing around at Wikipedia recently, I saw the title Shadow Of The Comet and, reminded of that review I'd read for what I'd thought was Alone In The Dark, which had mentioned a guy going crazy after seeing a comet, I only just remembered tonight to look that up. It turns out THAT was the game I saw reviewed, not Alone In The Dark, BUT, in my defense, 1. they're both based on works by Lovecraft, 2. apparently events in Shadow Of The Comet are referenced in Alone In The Dark, because 3. both games were put out by the same company. I do seem to very faintly recall reading the references to Lord Boleskine or whoever from Shadow Of The Comet (which I've never played) in the various reading materials provided in Alone In The Dark (I remember I copied all the reading material from the game because it was so interesting, but I forgot where I put it, fooey), so that's probably why I thought they were the same game. To this day, I don't know why Lord Boleskine or whoever went mad on seeing the comet. If anybody out there by any chance has ever played Shadow Of The Comet and knows, please inform. I'm guessing it had something to do with some nasty cosmic alien-god or something but that's just based on how such things usually go.
Good Lord, the article had a screen capture from the game and do I miss those days. I have fond memories of Alone In The Dark. Running into this room so full of spiders that I kicked them like crazy and they blocked my path and my character ended up doing this weird helpless turn and cancanning out of the room; playing a record on a gramophone to get these dancing ghosts out of my way; putting up mirrors so some faceless night-gaunts would see themselves and freeze so I could get down the stairs; foraging around for useful stuff and weapons; listening to giant rats make popping noises as I tried to kill them; going into a bathroom and confronting this nasty worm thing in a tub snarling at me and then hurrying back out...good times. I tried playing the sequel but it was too memory intensive for our computer so I never got very far, it was so woefully boggy, plus it didn't really have anything to do with Lovecraft anymore--something about a pirate, I dunno--so I lost interest. I read in the Wikipedia article that there were even Deep Ones in that game. I don't recall them. I don't even really recall the zombies it says the game had, huh. I just know those spiders, and this humongous worm monster thing I encountered while trying to make my way down a tunnel (finding my way past its bulky body was what frustrating me badly enough to write to the game company for help, I figured it out before receiving their response which advised the same technique), were really frigging annoying. And I vaguely recall the image of the tree (which is kind of explained in the article, until now I wasn't aware of the actual plot of the game, shows how ignorant I was back then) and the names Derceto and Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. No, none of it made the slightest sense to me back then but it was still fun. Then when I solved the game, every single monster vanished and I wandered my way back up through the tunnels and into the house and outside, it was so eerily empty, then that cab driver laughed at me evilly and that was the end, ha.
Good Lord I bet none of that made the slightest bit of sense to anyone who may have read this far.
I found a site called the "Innsmouth Free Press" which is dedicated to fiction and whatnot about that lovely coastal town, ha. My only real issue is their "Walking Guide To Innsmouth." It outlines the various landmarks and locations in the town, but they're not canon to Lovecraft's original story. There are obvious additions, such as a high-tech company (!), that Lovecraft obviously never wrote about or created or even envisioned. Plus it says the population is 40,000 (!!!). Certainly not the updates I envisioned myself for the Innsmouth of canon. For example, when I started my "New Innsmouth" fiction, I imagined that the original town still existed, but was greatly fallen into ruin, just this tiny little rathole with maybe a few hundred inhabitants and dilapidated buildings, really gone to seed, really backwards and unwelcoming; meanwhile a newer and more successful and populous settlement, "New Innsmouth" (as opposed to "Old Innsmouth"), has sprung up nearby, still with a small permanent population perhaps only in the hundreds, but very quaint and charming and catering mainly to tourists, you know, like Mackinac Island. Whatever the case, the original Innsmouth still exists in my mind but is just really, really dumpy and forbidding. This vision of it all revamped and heavily populated (40,000??--Cheboygan city has only 5000!) and even with a high-tech company of its own is just...way too weird for me. Not in keeping with how I picture it at all. My issue isn't with somebody picturing it that way--seeing things our own way and contributing our own, often differing views is the whole point of fanfiction--but with presenting this as if it's canon. The "Walking Guide" seems to be there for anyone wishing to write fiction set in Innsmouth to submit to the site (I think it even mentions that near the link). I think it's rather misleading since people not intimate with the original story might think that, say, this high-tech company is original to the place, and won't even be aware that Lovecraft had nothing to do with that.
Long story short, I think the "Walking Guide" should have been written strictly according to canon, or, at the very least, should have made it clear somewhere in the article that most of the information provided was not created by the original writer and was in fact contributed by So-&-So (the creator of these new locations is not named in the article, so far as I can tell--I really think they should be).
Still, an interesting site with some interesting fiction. I downloaded the PDFs, at least. Now if only the background image didn't take so dreadfully long to load.
Oh, that's another thing. The stupid Internet seems to be returning to the state it was in all last summer, having trouble connecting, giving me shitty speeds, then refusing to go anywhere even if I do successfully connect--sometimes even kicking me off right after I connect. This pisses me off so much. It's the EXACT SAME THING as all last summer. The thought that I have ANOTHER ENTIRE SUMMER of this to look forward to infuriates me. I wish I had a way to tell whether it's the phone or the ISP so I could call them out on it and demand answers, but whenever I complain, they always blame the other party. Nobody's willing to admit when they're to blame anymore.
And get this, two of the channels in our cable lineup were messed up--USA Network was broadcasting Game Show Network, and Comedy Central was broadcasting Speed--one of my fave channels, and one of Dad's fave channels, broadcasting channels we aren't even supposed to have (well, we're SUPPOSED to have Speed, it's on the lineup they sent us, but they seem to have dropped it long ago). We called them to complain and they said they would send a technician to check it out and if he had to come into the house there would be an extra $35 fee! Now WTF would they expect to find at OUR house? What, do we have their satellite sitting in our back yard so we can directly change what channels are broadcasting?? Seriously, that's the only thing that could have happened, a mixup with their satellite, a problem on THEIR end. How the hell could we get USA Network to broadcast GSN?? Yet that's what they told us, they'd send somebody to check it out. Naturally, they said for us to be there and wait for them to call within like a five-hour window of time (because everybody's schedule falls right in line with the cable company's and we live to wait for them to arrive any time between noon and five) and Dad refused to do so (and I am the one called avoidant), so we had to call to reschedule. They were going to come on Saturday (today); they rescheduled for Wednesday. Quite a delay there, Charter! How did your Monday and Tuesday fill up so fast?? USA and Comedy Central, meanwhile, seem to have returned to broadcasting their actual channels. WOW, Charter, how did you do that without even entering our house?? Amazing! I'll wait and see if it stays this way, then call to cancel (though then there'll probably be another problem, that's how it always goes). Wish I were snarky enough to tell the tech support guy, "And seeing as we made no change to our TV or cable setup, this rather proves the error was on YOUR end, so the next time such happens, we'd thank you to look for problems on YOUR end and not insist on sending somebody out here to charge us an unnecessary fee." 
Ma said the man was very nice when she called to reschedule, and asked if we'd considered cable Internet. Cripes already. Yeah, guys, maybe when you drop it to below your starting fee of around $60 a month? Like, to less than 1/3 that? And while you're at it, fix the Weather Channel. The last time you changed your lineup, TWC stopped giving us our local Cheboygan forecast and now seems to think we live in Harbor Springs, an hour's drive away. "Well, that's TWC's problem, not ours," Charter insists, but why would TWC change the location they broadcast to us the moment Charter changes their channel lineup? At least take blame when it's due, Charter, and perhaps people would take you more seriously.
Continued the next night, though I haven't really anything to continue. Just chased off that damn raccoon yet again. Last night there was awful screaming in the woods that I can only assume was him and perhaps another raccoon, annoying pests. Tomorrow (Monday) is the procedure. I know it won't help, I'm just hoping against hope that at the very least it doesn't make it worse.  Posting this before I forget, wish me luck since I could use it, tar.
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