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About Tehuti
I am an amateur writer of novels, serials, and novellas. Most of my work is in the genres of fantasy, mythology, drama, occult, GLBT, and erotica.
As I'm not seeking publication, I offer my work online for free reading. I'm not seeking stylistic critique so much as feedback from people who just like reading what I write. I love hearing what people think of my characters, plots, themes, etc., so if you have any comments or advice on those, feel free to share. I'm not hugely popular and often go many months without hearing from readers so I enjoy all the comments I get!
My interests are Ojibwa mythology, Mackinac Island, Egyptian mythology, Jungian symbolism and dream interpretation, ritual crime, fantasy writing, and various other things you can find in my personal bio, available just to the right. Please click to learn more about me and what I'm looking for in terms of readers and potential friends.
Feel free to hit me up if you're interested in any of these things, and enjoy my writing!
Tar! :) |
 Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only |
Untitled Tentative Blog-Type Thing Entry #700963, added on 07-06-10 @ 3:59 pm EDT
Entry Access Restriction: None.
I had a whole entry typed up regarding a review I recently received, followed by regular entry-type stuff, but a reply from the reviewer in question makes me glad I didn't post the entry when I planned since I think it was mainly a lapse in communication on my part. So, since I'm so horrible at discarding anything I write, no matter how outdated, I couldn't figure out what to do with the entry since I did make some salient points in all my ranting, regarding my opinions on reviewing and writing and all that jazz, but again, I wrote it in a rather snarky tone which is no longer fitting. Plus it's whiny. So I've decided to omit that whole section and just post the rest of the entry with possible updates since it too is outdated (it says the file was last modified 6/19/10), while keeping my eyes open to cut out other references to the review which I really should not post now.
*sigh*
Firstly follows the "rest" of the original entry sans all the review commentary.
The second procedure was a while back now since I'm slow at updating, blame both my eternal tiredness (all I ever do anymore is read and sleep, often both at the same time) and the shitty Internet connection. (Today (6/16, I'm writing this over a period of several days, of course) it kicked me off after working fine at 48kbps for an hour, then after trouble reconnected me at a TWELVE. I'm not even kidding, a TWELVE. The stupid thing is, the twelve actually worked, though that was surely a fluke, a frigging 28kbps never works at any other time.) It took the nurse three tries just to find my urethra this time; the first time she inserted the catheter, I thought, wow, that wasn't nearly as bad as the first time!, but she couldn't drain any urine, so it obviously wasn't going into the urethra. So rather than pull it out and put it back in and probably give me a UTI she threw it away and tried a new one, and again couldn't find the right opening. So she had to throw it away and use a smaller one and finally got it. I didn't mind that, such stuff happens, but again, I hated the sensation of it going in, and the fact that the urethra is so hard to find is troubling. She was pleased to hear that I'd held the medicine in not only a half hour last time but an hour, so said, "This time the goal is to hold it for two hours!" Ugh, I have trouble holding anything for two hours even WITHOUT medicine in there! So I told myself it was unlikely. I held it in for about two hours anyway; again, could have held it longer, but my urination was elevated due to water loss, so I really had to go, REALLY, not just feeling like I had to. If she says the next time the goal is three hours, I will have to tell her sorry, she was lucky to get two hours out of me on a good day.
An update to that, I've since had the third procedure, and managed to hold it in about 1:45min. And still no improvement. I have only one instill left and there's virtually no chance of it doing me any good. -_- I asked about this again in the IC forum since I'm so terribly disappointed in my lack of ANY progress whatsoever and the people there expressed surprise that I'm having so few procedures done over such a long period of time, meaning I should probably be having this done more frequently; they recommended what I think was the other medication the urologist mentioned, one of them said she has to give herself (give herself) DAILY instills to keep things manageable  , and they urged me to seek a second opinion before doing something as drastic as surgery. I just noticed this time in the forum that all the treatments I've been undergoing are recommended for MILD IC. I'm pretty sure mine is beyond mild, but the other procedures listed, for moderate to severe IC, aren't totally approved and I don't believe ANY are done in the northern Michigan area, since I recall Psychologist, in one of our meetings, calling Petoskey to ask what treatments they have for IC and Hunner's ulcers and they mentioned hydrodistension and medication instills--both of which I've already tried--and the people there had never even HEARD of bladder ulcers! So even if I were to get a second opinion from another urologist, so what?--nobody in the northern Michigan area seems to do anything other than the stupid useless procedures I've already tried. Just my luck. (My mother recently mentioned outpatient surgery a relative of hers had, for nothing related to IC but it couldn't have been drastic if it was outpatient, and it cost like $30,000. -_- ) One of the other sufferers said she had to get twelve instills (of that other medication, I forget its name, not Elmiron) before noticing improvement, and they again said the Elmiron can take over a year to work (I've been on it about seven months or more now, not even the slightest improvement yet), especially after the dosage is upped. I thought 300mg was the highest dosage you could take, since that's what it says in the handout, but people on the forum mentioned going up from 400-600mg. So I think the next time I see the stupid useless urologist I should request a tentative upping of the dosage, since I haven't noticed any of the unpleasant side effects Elmiron is known for (digestive issues and hair loss), and perhaps an increase in the frequency of the instills, even though when I suggested this latter to my mother she snorted and said, "No," meaning she doesn't want to have to drive me there weekly. *sigh*
No improvement yet.  What's more, I've been losing excessive amounts of fluid for THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT now. At first there would be a day here and there when it would be normal, but for the majority of the past three weeks, I've been overurinating almost every day. What's worse, yesterday and the day before, it was CONSTANT, every hour, not "flares" as I call them (3oz or more in an hour) but urination elevated enough to be bothersome and interfere with sleep, comfort, and functioning. FORTY-EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT. I lost about 55oz yesterday when I drink only about 30oz a day. It finally let up around bedtime last night so I could sleep, and I thought, thank God, FINALLY it's ending, but then it flared up again this morning for about four hours, then let up for about seven hours, and again I thought, thank God, but then it flared up again and is currently still flaring as of shortly before bedtime, so I can't even say anymore. My body plays such tricks on me, getting my hopes up that MAYBE now it's finally over with and I can get some peace, but that lasts only long enough for me to hope it's over, then it comes right back. It's acting just as bad as it did last summer WHEN I WAS DRINKING NORMALLY. I've been drinking around only 30oz a day SINCE NOVEMBER now, and I have NEVER had a flare this bad. NEVER. At most it would act up perhaps a week, with water weight loss, which this must surely be since I feel thinner (too chicken to weigh myself), but why the f**k would I be losing one lousy month's worth of water weight over a period of NEARLY A MONTH? It has NEVER taken that long to come out before! It's been acting up since around 5/28! My period starts in about a week--I should be RETAINING water now, not LOSING it, but I've been losing it like crazy for three weeks. With no end in sight yet. It makes absolutely no sense. It's not physically possible. But I'm doing it. Just because.
The only thing I can think of is how badly I've bloated and/or put on weight since this really started to act up. I know I've gained at least ten pounds, maybe more, and had no real idea why, I just know I started bloating last year when the urination began to get bad and the bloat never really went away like it used to. So I wondered if this condition is having some effect on my metabolism or something too. I don't know why it would--the only REAL issue is in my bladder, not in my urination, at least, it USED to be!--but it felt like I put on water and put on water and kept it on no matter how much I kept letting out and how little I drank. Is this three weeks of hell all that water coming off at last? Why would it have been put on and not let out, why would it decide to come out now, and what's taking it so f**king long? Why doesn't it just do like it used to and gush out 11oz in one hour, or even 5-8oz over three hours or so, and then let up the rest of the day so I can function and get some peace? What's with this letting out just enough every single damn hour so I can't rest or do anything? For FORTY-EIGHT HOURS straight and at least once, more often twice or even three times a day for THREE WEEKS? I'm so sick and tired. I want my life to return to tolerable, if not good. Just tolerable would do, until they fix this stupid bladder. Now I don't even deserve tolerable. I must be a very lousy person, if I don't even deserve tolerable.
I tell myself to be grateful for every rare night of uninterrupted sleep or every day I can function without problems but you know what?--I shouldn't HAVE to feel grateful for things everyone else can take for granted. These things should be NORMAL for me, like they used to be. It should be NORMAL for me to sleep uninterrupted every night. It should be NORMAL for me to handle a two-hour car ride or go for a walk without problems. It used to be normal, so it should be now. I want to be grateful for things that are out of the norm. I don't want to be grateful for things I used to have and for whatever stupid reason have now had taken away. You know what, I'm starting to seriously suspect it was that f**king Lexapro that caused this problem in the first place. My bladder was just fine before I went on that stupid useless medication. It made me pack on weight, who knows what else it did to me? The timing is about right. I was just starting to take it when I went to visit my brother's family in Georgia in 2006, I believe it was. Imagine me handling a plane flight down there NOW. I wouldn't be surprised if the Lexapro is what ruined my bladder.
And I'm incredibly angry that this stupid Elmiron, which is SUCH a Godsend to all those other people suffering from this, is doing absolutely squat for me. The nurse asked the doctor, after I said the first treatment had resulted in no improvement, how long it could be expected to take, and he'd replied that change shouldn't be expected with just one treatment, for some people it took a month--which, since I'm getting treated every two weeks, would be two treatments. Two treatments later, nada. No improvement whatsoever. And I think I'm going to have to postpone/reschedule the next treatment since I'll likely be on my period and I doubt they'll treat me then. So that delays it even more. (An update, they don't mind doing it during your period if you're comfortable, so it's good that I recently switched to tampons because I really did NOT want to reschedule that. I wasn't going to say this in my journal since it's one of those things you just really shouldn't talk about publicly, so I'll just say, after using them for the first time in my life at the age of 33, tampons are God's gift to women, and I'll leave it at that.) I wish they'd scheduled me to be treated every week since there are no adverse effects to speak of. Step it up. Not that I think it'll work, but I'm so desperate for SOMETHING. Every time I feel a twinge down there I wish, "If only that's what 2-4oz felt like, like it does for normal people," but it's always nothing more than like an ounce, and when my bladder feels irritated beyond measure it's a lousy 2.5oz or some such. God, by now I'd be happy if my bladder functioned at merely twice what it does now, even though on average I think it's only at 1/3 its regular capacity.
An update, this had been acting up for a MONTH STRAIGHT--it let up for two lousy days during my period, then recommenced (sic?) flaring like crazy. I got fed up and started talking instant-release pamabrom (a diuretic) twice daily, when I awake and six hours later as indicated, every damn day just to try to control when this stupid crap comes out of me, just so I could get some SLEEP for a change. EVERY DAMN DAY. The box says to take with a full glass of water and to drink 6-8 glasses a day, BULLSHIT on that, kind of does away with the whole purpose. I noticed my urine output increased after I took it, but then it decreased at night, when I wasn't taking it, and at last I was able to sleep uninterrupted, for the most part (did have a mild flare that woke me up early the other night but at least I got back to sleep), so at last most of the urine came out during the day. Not the ideal solution, but I'm just so desperate for a semblance of normal, to just break even and let out as much as I put in. You're not even supposed to let out 100% of the fluid you take in, some has to be used for other things like sweat and tears and blood! I drink so little, it's been so damn hot, I even have the occasional bout of diarrhea (another thing I should not mention in my journal, apologies), I should be frigging dehydrated by now. I can feel on my waist that I've lost weight there. This must be the weight I put on over the autumn and winter for whatever inexplicable reason. I want it ALL OUT OF ME NOW. I'd rather just be peeing NORMALLY, including during the daytime since I'd like to go places, but by now I want sleep most of all. So, I told myself, I don't give a rat's ass if I frigging dehydrate, if that's what it takes. My desperation was such that during my last meeting with Psychologist she expressed the concern that she really felt she should have me hospitalized psychiatrically. I told her, in a way, I would LIKE to be hospitalized, but I didn't get to elaborate, if it meant they would just FIX MY BLADDER ALREADY. If getting dehydrated is what it would take for them to fix me, then I would do it. But I know that's not the type of hospitalization I would receive. I cried quite a lot but probably not for the reasons she thought. I was just overwhelmed that somebody would find me important enough to have me hospitalized. For the most part, nobody around me cares enough about me to do anything other than tell me, whenever I'm upset, to get over it, or stop complaining, or tell me that other people have worse problems so I should be grateful, or, usually, they just ignore me. Even when I wanted to see a doctor for the first time, the response around me was to just wait and see if it gets worse, then even after I saw doctors and a genuine physical problem was revealed, the response around me was, stop whining, there's nothing we can do, we don't want to hear it, just deal with it. I'm not used to anybody being concerned enough about me to think about my wellbeing to such an extent that they think I should be emergency hospitalized for my own good. I've just never been important enough for that. Nobody's ever cared. So while the thought of being psychiatrically hospitalized is a scary one, in a way it was comforting because it's probably the first time anyone's ever expressed such a concern for me. I'm not used to that. By now, I figured I didn't even deserve it. After all, why save somebody who's not worth saving? I've never exactly contributed anything worthwhile to the world. (Psychologist recently called me to tell me that native lady would still like to hear from me, my thought was, if she really meant it she could just have replied to the other two mails I sent her, but I mailed her again just to be sure, haven't heard back. Another example of my unimportance in the world.)
I opposed hospitalization, and was too scared of the fallout for her to tell my mother of her concerns regarding my current mental and physical state, but we settled on me going to see the psychiatrist again for possible medication--I am going to oppose any SSRIs/SNRIs or their derivatives, I no longer trust those--and on the assigning of a "case manager" to help me get to my appointments since I hate so much how my mother always has to take time off work just to drive me places. I think the case manager is all Psychologist mentioned to my mother since I told her not to tell her anything that would "make waves," like pending hospitalization might--I want the people around me to be concerned about me, but I don't want them freaking out, and in truth, the people around me always think I'm exaggerating everything, it'd probably be the same here; they don't believe that there are times I would honestly feel better off dead. My mother said, "You know, I really don't mind driving you to your appointments," but I know she does. And it's about a lot more than just that. I have to receive a phone call from this case manager to set things up and that has me dreadfully anxious, having to get rides from a total stranger, I hate putting people out so, plus other people's cars make me feel skeevy, but there's nothing else to be done. So that's how things currently stand on that. Strangely, however, I seem to have been underurinating all day today--I haven't let out all the fluid I took in yesterday, despite still taking the diuretics, and that worries me that what I thought was the diuretic actually working might in fact be just my urine "naturally" acting up and it's going to hit me again when I'm trying to sleep. I'm just so tired of all this. I want to break even. If I'm going to have to be so damn thirsty all the time, I could at least have the near-empty bladder to go along with it.
So that's the current state of things--a few decent nights of sleep so far, very few fluids taken in despite the sweltering weather and excessive thirst, and diuretics. I feel like I've become bulimic, just with fluids instead of food. Psychologist worried that my obsession with my bladder--I mentioned to her that by now, I agonize over every swallow of fluid I take, wondering when it's going to interfere with my daily functioning, to the point that I'm afraid of drinking now even though I know I have to--is overwhelming all logic, but my logic is still there, I'm just too fed up to listen to it anymore. If I get sick, I get sick. At least I'll get sleep out of it. I hope. Probably not.
An update to that update since now I'm updating this the day after that, it still hasn't flared up, so I slept, though it's a bit higher today than yesterday. Remains to be seen what will become of it all. It's incredibly hot again.
I get so fed up whenever I say I'm so thirsty and my mother always replies, "Well, why don't you start drinking normally again?" or "I really think you should drink normally"--I always tell her, "Imagine YOU were the one who hasn't gotten a decent night of sleep in weeks, and imagine you couldn't handle the car ride to the casino every week, or even GO to the casino because you'd be running away from the machine to the bathroom every ten minutes, you'd be willing to do just about anything for some peace, too," but I guess she can't empathize with me like that. I don't know why not, my comparisons are sound.
And I hate how unproductive I've become. I told myself once I would get back to work when I was "better." But by now it seems like I never will be better. Not that I can convince myself the world will miss my work, but I hate calling myself a writer when I no longer even write. Everything just seems like too much effort. I hate awakening in the morning feeling like I didn't even sleep, no matter how well or not I did sleep, dragging myself out of bed just wishing I could go back to sleep and not wake up again, struggling to connect to the Internet and do the very minimum of things since doing enjoyable things became impossible long ago and I'm lucky just to get the minimum things done in three hours (update to that, it kicked me offline THREE TIMES this morning), logging off and slumping onto the couch to read and doze for the rest of the day, in between watching the birds and squirrels (I haven't seen a chickadee in ages...I feel like they don't need me anymore (update to that, they seem to be returning, perhaps they were away nesting?)). I just haven't any strength or motivation anymore. Everything feels pointless. I do get scraps of imagination and whatnot drifting through my head, but by the time I work up the effort to get around to them, I've lost all interest so I do nothing. I just return to reading and dozing. Is there ever going to be a point when I'm "better" or at least feel like doing something moderately, or even marginally (since how important is my work, anyway), useful?
I don't even know why I'm so tired. I swear, the nights when my urination doesn't keep me up half the night, I awaken even MORE tired, like I didn't sleep at all. There's just barely anything left to me. It's probably best it's been cold and rainy lately, else I'd feel even worse about not going out; the other day I took the cat out, but shortly after brought him back in, as I just hadn't the energy to chase him every time he went off after a chipmunk. He shouldn't suffer because I am. I wish I had what little bit of a life I used to have before all this. I wish I was just better again. -_-
An update to all that, the tiredness persists. I barely managed to summon the strength to vacuum the other day despite how filthy the rug has become, and even then could do just the living room, never mind the rest. In summer, when it was warm, I used to become so energized I would even cook my own dinners and cook for Ma if she wanted it; now I can barely manage to make a sandwich. Today when I took the cat out it was much more sweltery than I expected but I doubt that mattered much; I had to literally drag myself around after him, picking up my camp chair and setting it back down again and sinking into it whenever he moved around, I was just so dead weary. I then came in and dozed fitfully and then abruptly fell asleep until fifteen minutes past when I wanted to wake up. And immediately felt dead tired again. *sigh*
It seems that with every year that passes, I look back and always think, I didn't realize how lucky I was back then. Which is really pathetic, seeing as I've never been really lucky at all, but what little bits of okayness I used to have just keep eroding and eroding away. I didn't know how lucky I was last summer when it only flared up every other day. I didn't know how lucky I was the year before that when I had just my loneliness and depression to contend with and not a physical problem too. I didn't know how lucky I was when I was in touch with a few people online and somebody who shall remain nameless because he proved himself a total asshole was still my "friend." Etc. etc. etc. At the end of each year, I can't count my blessings or achievements, all I can do is lament the ones I've lost, the ones I didn't even know I had until they were gone.
THIS is why I hate being grateful, because whenever I am, the thing I'm grateful for is gone. I shouldn't have to be grateful for what used to be the norm for me, especially when it feels like Life takes things away just out of spite. I don't even know what I've done to deserve such crap since I've been a lot nicer than many other people who have it a lot better.
My neck/throat hurts like there's something wrong with my glands. (Update on that, it doesn't hurt anymore, but my throat is phlegmy and my voice hoarse like I'm losing it, for some odd reason.) You know there are times I WISH I had a bad thyroid or diabetes?--because at least those are HIGHLY TREATABLE. But no, no such luck. I just have a stupid shitty bladder that refuses to respond to medication and I don't even know how it got this way. Yes, it's sad when you'd consider it lucky to have diabetes. That's how crappy my life has become. I know, lots of people have it a lot worse, but they're better able to deal with it. I can't handle stuff like this, not for long. Another 24 hours straight of this, I would love to just take my entire bottle of pills and sleep. It seems so much easier that way.
Continued yet again on another night. God, this is driving me crazy. I slept okay last night, but had a moderate flare (which I categorize as 5-6oz per hour) late this morning; I assumed that since that happened, I wouldn't have the even more annoying elevated urination all day, and it finally let up and it was so wonderful for approximately two hours. Then it got elevated. Then let up. Then elevated. Then let up. It's been doing that all frigging day. One hour I'll have 1.5oz or under and it's so wonderful and I keep praying and praying it'll stay that way for at least the next couple of weeks since I'm now entering my FOURTH WEEK of this acting up, then the next hour there'll be over 2oz, which doesn't sound like much but drives me crazy. Now even a bout of gushing out fluid for a few hours isn't enough to deter it from still coming out of me the rest of the day! WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM?? I drink a lousy 30oz a day and this is the fourth day in a row I've let out significantly more than that; and the ninth day out of ten; I lose track, let me see.
Here are my records since 5/28, when it started to feel like I was losing water weight. Fluid lost? Remember I drink only around 30oz a day, once in a while somewhat more (perhaps around 45oz at most), once in a while a bit less):
5/28--31.5-32oz or more, slight sleep interference
5/29--around 36.5oz, slight sleep interference
5/30--around 34.5-35.5oz, slight sleep interference
5/31--34oz, no acting up
6/1--38oz
6/2--around 29.5oz
6/3--around 48oz, sleep interference
6/4--around or slightly over 30.5oz, no acting up
6/5--around 49oz, sleep interference
6/6--43.5oz
6/7--around 30oz, no acting up
6/8--42oz, slight sleep interference
6/9--over 41.5oz, sleep interference
6/10--around 45.5oz, slight sleep interference
6/11--around 39-39.5oz, sleep interference
6/12--around 49oz, sleep interference
6/13--around 29-29.5oz, no acting up
6/14--around 38.5oz
6/15--54.5oz, sleep interference
6/16--47.5oz, slight sleep interference
6/17--around 52.5oz, slight sleep interference
(Update to the above, I had particularly lousy days 6/26-27 and 6/29-30--ALL FOUR of those days, not just the period between them--that was when I got fed up and started the diuretics.)
Take note I'm only mentioning sleep interference there, on many of those days there were daytime flares in addition which interfered with activity and rest. It's like I'm not allowed to sleep decently at night, nor am I allowed to catch up on rest during the day. Considering how little I drink and how thirsty I get and how much I still let out, and have been letting out for THREE WEEKS now going into the fourth, you see why I'm at the end of my rope?
Picking up later again. It hasn't acted up today (with the exception of a bit last night, I've become resigned to not even going to bed properly, to instead sitting upright and trying to doze for an hour or so until I'm sure it's not acting up and I can properly go to sleep, so I sometimes end up doing this even if it doesn't act up at night), but it's almost midnight and it feels twingey (sic?) a lot, that 48 hours of low-level acting up has made me so sensitive to any little bit that I'm bladder-panicky. I just want it to stay below 2oz, preferably at 1.5oz or less, an hour, for maybe a couple of weeks, just to give me a break from all this. I really do feel thinner. And seriously, isn't three weeks of this enough? How much more can I put out? I'm just so tired of this every damn day. I feel bad just saying that it didn't act up because the moment I do, it's sure to start again. -_- In fact it feels like it now, and it's almost midnight, close to bedtime. *sigh*
We've had a fresh hatch of red squirrels this year again, though I haven't seen any adorable babies like the one which hobbled down the chimney last year (see the 5/13/09 entries); instead there are at least three juveniles, plus various adults. The juveniles are so adorable, I wish they'd stay that small forever. They're also a bit more lenient, less territorial, than the adults. Red squirrels are not social like gray squirrels. You'll see a bunch of gray squirrels hanging about peacefully, but red squirrels can't stand each other; if two approach the same small space, a fight breaks out, with lots of really loud chattering and tussling. Whenever two adults arrive at the side feeder at once, I swear that more seed ends up on the ground than in the feeder. >:/ I've taken to trying to prevent these fights before they start, just to spare the food. The other morning I heard incessant chattering while I was on the computer, and got ready to scare off both squirrels, only to see two juveniles sharing the same dish. Granted, they weren't very happy about it, and kept chattering and feinting and casting each other evil looks the entire time, but they were sharing the food, and that amazed me. Since then they've done it frequently--again, usually borderline unwillingly, but they still share. I'll look out and see them sitting butt-to-butt as if trying to ignore each other, or right side by side like little buddies, and by now they usually don't chew each other out, though there's still tension; one time in between mouthfuls they kept "tackling" each other, one pouncing on the other by splaying its front legs over the other's shoulders and shoving it down into the plate, then backing off, then resuming eating, chattering all the while. But they seem to have grown mostly used to it. I attribute this odd behavior to the fact that they're yet juveniles and haven't grown up into that nasty adult stage. But just this evening, an adult squirrel sat in the feeder chasing off a juvenile which kept trying to poke its head in and ended up sprawled out on the protruding branch, looking like it was sobbing to be let up to eat some food, it looked so sad I chased the adult off and tried to get the juvenile to return. A while later, I returned to see both adult and juvenile seated side by side, eating.  Perhaps that adult happens to be the mother, is my theory, so she's(?) willing to put up with the juvenile's presence for a bit, but when everyone is all growed up I expect this companionship to go out the window. Still, it's quite cute to see two little reds seated side by side in the feeder eating peacefully. I'm just so used to them doing nothing but squabble.
Hallowell's Contributions To Ojibwe Studies finally came out in print, something I wasn't expecting until August. I was surprised to see a copy available on my Amazon wishlist and went to investigate. The product page said "Only 1 left in stock--order soon"--there was no parenthetical "more on the way," which they usually have up there when they intend to get more books in stock later, which made me think this would be the only copy available for quite a while--they did the same thing back when I ordered Honoring Elders, got like ONE copy in stock and didn't look like they planned to get more immediately, so I hurried and snatched that up while I could. Anyway, I did the same this time, hurried and snatched it up, and as soon as I did, the description on the page changed to "This title has not yet been released"! How weird! I took that as confirmation that my copy had been the only one they had in stock and intended to have for a while; maybe it was an advance copy or something, I dunno. But the very next day the description had changed yet again to "In stock," which is even weirder, seeing as the release date is still given as August 2010. *shrug* In any event, I only just tonight noticed that much of the contents appear in an older book I got on eBay a while back, Culture & Experience, I had no idea there was such great overlap between the two.  But there looks to be a bit of material in the older book which isn't in the newer one, so it isn't a total wash. I had no way of knowing. *shrug* It's like over 600 pages of Ojibwa anthropology! No, I won't get to read it for ages, since I'm going through my Lovecraft phase, but still, it's a nice addition. I love good meaty books.
Continued again the next night. Yesterday's reprieve from all the urinating was just temporary, yet again. -_- It started to act up RIGHT at bedtime, not even an hour or so before, and I couldn't even doze upright waiting for it to pass since my feet kept falling asleep. So I didn't get to sleep until around three. Then another mild flare late in the morning. It's subsided since then, but as of 11PM I've already let out more than I drank yesterday, and there are still two hours to bedtime in which it can choose to act up YET AGAIN, heading well into the fourth week. I'm due to start my period around Monday, I believe. I should be retaining water. I've even started taking Pamprin daily--I used to only take it once or twice AFTER starting, to get rid of back pain--to try to keep myself from putting on water weight just so I won't have to go through a week of letting it out when this time, it's been almost a MONTH so far of me letting it out! (The Pamprin is not the cause of all this peeing. I've only been taking it less than a week. And I never remember it making me feel like I had to pee any more than usual in the past.) I'm getting so desperate I even looked for some heavy-duty diuretics at Wal-Mart because it'd be good to take something and just flush out my entire system all at once, get it the hell over with, but all they had was something with immediate-release pamabrom in it, which is the same thing in Pamprin, just not immediate-release, so I guess I'll stick to the Pamprin. Take note it STILL acted up on the one day in the past week when I DIDN'T take Pamprin...which I guess would be yesterday, Friday.
(You know the updates to all that.)
I'm so tired.
We passed my old high school art teacher in Washington Park today at the crafts show, selling metal stick-figure men with clay flowerpot heads called "Potheads." She didn't remember my name (which is odd, since teachers always seem to remember my name, which is even odder, how can they among all those students?--I never exactly stood out), but did remember who I was. There was the always awkward question "So what have you been doing?" to which I always answer, "Oh, nothing," like I'm doing something, just nothing worth noting, when the truth is, I really AM doing nothing, at least, nothing of any importance. Seriously, people really do not want to ask you, years after they've last seen you, "So what have you been doing?" and hear in return, "Oh, I'm on disability for anxiety, and I have interstitial cystitis, and I still like to write but barely anybody reads it and I'm too chicken to get it published, so I just sit at home alone and sleep and read and cry most days, what are you doing lately?" I'm always so embarrassed when people ask me what I've been doing lately or if I have a job. I'm such a loser. -_- I can sense the disappointment in teachers especially, since for some reason they expected me to become a great artist or writer; I don't know what gave them the idea, since while I could draw pictures decently, I could not make real art, and while I could write, nobody, not even the teachers, was interested in reading it, so why did they expect I would make something great of myself? You have to DO something great to BECOME great. I've always been way too chicken, and face it, not nearly talented enough.
She remembered I'd been interested in Egyptian mythology and asked if I was doing any art. I wonder what had given her an impression I was an artist? I did very well in that class, but again, I was by no means an artist, I was just artistic; there's a difference. I said no, I just write. "Oh," she said, and I sensed that disappointment, then she added, "Well, writing is an art, too!" Which it is, but not nearly the same kind of art I learned in art class. What do I write about? "I'm mainly interested in Ojibwa mythology now, so I write about that a lot," I said, to which she asked if I had any of that in my heritage, to which I replied I might, I might not, who knows, to which my mother said, "She's skeptical"--well, there's no proof, so I won't go claiming ancestry I can't positively say I have. Then came the Other Dreaded Question--"Are you trying to get published?"
I really, really hate that question. (Update, this was the topic of much of the deleted part of the entry. Perhaps another time when I have the energy to rewrite it so it's not a rant aimed at the poor reviewer.) I kept my eyes downcast and shook my head no and there came the expected followup, an incredulous "Why not?"--my college Women's Lit instructor, on meeting me in the market several years back, had exclaimed the same thing, which I found just as odd back then, since she'd never read any of my fiction, only my essays and test answers. Really, just because you can write a journal entry or answer an essay question nicely doesn't mean you can write great, publishable fiction, so why do they expect that I can?  Anyway I can't even remember the reason I gave, just hemmed and hawed. The main reasons are so obvious--1. not talented enough; 2. it's all too long; 3. too chicken; 4. hate other people telling me how to fix/redo my work. But that's way too much explanation for somebody really not interested in long explanations, so I just shrugged and shook my head. My mother then said, "She posts it online"--ugh. -_- My teacher wanted to know the URL, which for whatever stupid reason I could not remember! So I had to tell her to Google "manitou island tehuti" and look for the site hosted on Google Sites, which, to somebody not very Net savvy, is a lot to ask, so I have no clue if she'll ever find her way to it. I'm not worried about her not finding it, because chances are almost certain she'll never even go looking; that's why I hate handing out my URL to people IRL, nobody ever wants to look at any of it. Don't say you want to know my site if you're not going to visit it, seriously. I'm more worried that she'll click the wrong link and find this blog or, worse yet, find more info on TAC than is posted on the Google Site! Nobody I know from real life is aware of that side of me, well, except for Psychologist, just a tad. I kept what I posted to the Google Site as tame as possible, but just the words "graphic sexuality" and whatnot make me cringe badly enough. Plus, the other day, out of boredom, I Googled "tehuti_88" and "tehuti88" and came across SO MUCH STUFF I have posted online at various places over the years in various forums that it's just creepy, how easy it is to follow me around the Net. No, I don't regret the stuff I've posted in widely different places, I just regret that Google makes it so easy for somebody to find it ALL in one location. It's really quite creepy.
So I've edited my blog to put in the "Please stop reading if you know me IRL" disclaimer, not that that will stop somebody who's snoopy, but if somebody decides to snoop into something they very well know they might not like, and then gets pissed about it, well, it's nobody's fault but their own. I can say with 100% honesty that if I stumbled upon the detailed personal blog of a relative or somebody I knew from real life, I would have NO interest whatsoever in reading it, and would quickly back out and never return to that page, because I do not WANT to know their innermost thoughts, especially not if they're about me...but that's just me, and I've learned most other people really are that snoopy, and really do get that self-righteously pissed when they read something they don't like. It's like, "Well, what did you expect to find in a personal journal?? Endless praise?" Good Lord, I almost typed "they're own." I must be tired.
My computer tells me this entry is running nigh on 40kb now. I probably had other stuff to say but should really finish this and post it sometime before it becomes even more horribly outdated, so I guess that's enough for now. Tar.
And that is the end of the oudated original entry.
More issues with the annoying raccoons. I think the one that keeps raiding the standing feeder is a nursing mother, for obvious reasons, but maybe not, if she's the same as the one that visits the porch; there's one that's rather small, the size of our cat, and its fur is just so gorgeously groomed that it looks just like a little pet. Like I should put a collar on it and lug it inside to play with it. "Please come snuggles with Mama!" like in the commercial with the nearsighted lady calling her cat. The other night both it and a skunk were on the porch at once; when the skunk attempted climbing up a step, its body was set so low to the ground it actually got hung up on it and had to struggle its way up. It stopped just a few inches behind the eating raccoon. Then the raccoon decided it wanted to turn around, and that of course brought it face-to-face with the skunk. The skunk bared its teeth and raised its tail but fortunately it was just a warning, the raccoon understood and hurried down the steps while the skunk slipped into the bush and vanished. Tense moment there. I know that if the skunk sprayed on our porch, I would be the one blamed for it.
Yesterday after putting food in the standing feeder I passed it and noticed the food seemed oddly low despite there being no squirrels all day, and that perplexed me, was a chipmunk making off with it all? When I looked again shortly after, there was the culprit, a tiny chipmunk shoveling food into its cheeks.  "I KNEW IT!!" I yelled, and flung open the window with a shout of "You little--!" but before I could get the words out, the chipmunk had done a startled somersault off the tray and plummeted to the plants below.  It was so funny it made it all worth it. Unfortunately none of them were nearly as startled afterwards, annoying little boogers.
And I've noticed the grosbeaks starting to return, frigging gargantuan glorified finches. >:/
I'm trying to collect most of Chaosium's "Call Of Cthulhu Fiction" books, but it's rather difficult, seeing as most are out of print and there are so many. Plus a few have gone through more than one edition so it was complicated telling if I was getting an edition that was fully updated or not. I bought Cthulhu's Dark Cults straight through Chaosium's site as they take PayPal (or Innsmouth gold!--well, they say you can pay with that) and I thought Amazon wasn't going to get it in stock, but ugh, right after I did, they did, and I really do not want to buy straight through Chaosium again if I can help it, they seriously gouge you on shipping. Honestly. Before I signed up, I put the book in my cart and when they thought I was located in California, I think, by default, S&H was like $6. That was pricey, but tolerable. Then I signed up and told them I was in Michigan and S&H went to over $10! WTF?? Why does it cost more to ship to Michigan than to California?? And there's no WAY in hell one little book costs over $10 to ship! That's over half the price of the book itself! I balked, but resigned myself since I thought Amazon wouldn't get it in. Then of course, when the book arrived, I look at the label and see that Chaosium only paid somewhat over $4 for shipping. Talk about a ripoff! I know they're struggling for money, but they could at least just tack that extra $6 onto the price of the book, rather than gouging you on shipping. Anyway, I'll try to get things through Amazon whenever possible, now.
I was really interested in The Xothic Legend Cycle but there were two printings about ten years apart, and the newer edition, the one I'd prefer, has a starting price of around $70. Ugh. (It's OOP, BTW.) So I asked at the Temple Of Dagon forum if there was a difference in the two printings. No response. Then I found the Yog-Sothoth forums and tried there. I wasn't expecting an answer since who would be so anal as to know something like that? But I immediately got replies not only informing me that the two printings were likely the same in content (so the cheaper, earlier printing is probably just as good), but also giving me a complete listing of the books in the series (turns out I had already compiled them all, but hadn't been aware of it since new editions are assigned new item numbers, thus making it look like there are more books than there really are). The people on the Yog-Sothoth forum were so very helpful! I never did get a reply at the Temple Of Dagon. I also learned what became of a book that was supposed to be in the series but was dropped and published by another company, and various other details. So I think I know where I'll ask such questions in the future. Ia! Yog-Sothoth!
Unfortunately, the first copy of Xothic Legend I tried to buy "couldn't be found" by the seller (grrrrr), so I had to try again. UGH. With my luck I'll just get the same result. I bought a used Disciples Of Cthulhu II back on 6/9 but it never arrived so, noticing that Amazon had acquired a few copies, I bought one of those and asked the seller for a refund since the book was obviously lost in the mail. Haven't heard back yet. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt of the holiday weekend before trying again. I'd hate to have to file a complaint through Amazon. I wouldn't have these problems if Chaosium would just keep their books in print. I know, it's the economy, but still.
I'm currently reading Tales Of The Lovecraft Mythos, still working my way through the Del Rey editions. I'm enjoying these stories very much. Most of them, anyway. I've read nothing but praise for Zelazny's "24 Views Of Mt. Fuji, By Hokusai," but I thought it was dreadfully dull, vague, and not Mythos at all, myself. (Oh look! He shoehorned in a mention of the Deep Ones! Big whoop. What's this story doing in this collection?? And I know it's in a more formal setting but the dialogue is just atrocious.) And I didn't really care for the Neil Gaiman story I read, either (oh look, a werewolf in Innsmouth, how quaint), though I know people love Neil Gaiman and I thought I would too. Go figure. It always seems like the more famous and beloved a writer is, the more I can't stand their work. I adore the more pastichey-type works, which I know other Lovecraft fans loathe. I can't help it, I find pastiche (the mimicking kind, not the mocking kind) fun. I know for sure the two stories I have posted are nothing but pastiche; I would never write something like "Curse it, Officer!" in my normal stories. Despite that, I just can't bring myself to write a serious story which ends with the narrator writing something like "My God! It's at the door! It's broken in! It has my leg and is dragging me away! Can't--write--more..." because honestly, if some monster is dragging you away, are you going to be hanging on struggling to write the last sentence?
We're receiving a Spam call about credit--"We've tried contacting you numerous times and this WILL be our last attempt." Awwww! How can you say that when you don't mean it?  Lying sacks of crap.
I'm consuming so much pudding and applesauce lately just to stave off the thirst, *sigh.* When I came into the room the other day with my third and fourth container of applesauce my mother expressed consternation, then said, "Well, at least you're taking in fluids." With how dreadfully hot it is, I sometimes feel like eating nothing BUT applesauce. I think I would get sick, though. I really wish this stupid bladder would get fixed. I would love drinking those shakes for breakfast rather than eating crackers or chips because I have no energy to make something real to eat. -_-
ZOMG BIG HORNETLIKE THING LANDED ON THE MONITOR.
I think I've run out of things to say, which is probably for the best. Now to see if I can get this to post; as I already mentioned, I was kicked off THREE F**KING TIMES this morning alone.
Tar...
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This page last updated 11/11/09. Still under construction so may change at any time.
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