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About This Author
I am SoCalScribe. This is my InkSpot.
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Blogocentric Formulations
Logocentric (adj). Regarding words and language as a fundamental expression of an external reality (especially applied as a negative term to traditional Western thought by postmodernist critics).
Sometimes I just write whatever I feel like. Other times I respond to prompts, many taken from the following places:
Thanks for stopping by! 
November 19, 2012 at 4:37pm November 19, 2012 at 4:37pm
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So my wife turned me onto a blog last night called "Single Dad Laughing," which is written by a single dad (twice divorced) named Dan Pearce. His writing is filled with humor, endearing moments, and experiences that he shares with everyone on the web. The post of his that really resonated, though, was the one called "31 Ways I Blew My Marriage." He started with sixteen things and eventually expanded it by adding another fifteen, but the idea came about when his family was giving marriage advice to his little sister before her wedding, and Dan couldn't think of anything except the reasons his marriage fell apart.
The result was him creating a list of things he did wrong in his two failed relationships, and how he would have handled them differently. The entire list is filled with wise observations, wonderful humor, and excellent advice, but I think my three favorites would have to be:
12. DON'T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.
Age shouldn't matter. Physical ability shouldn't matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn't have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn't really go out and do anything. And, I've been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I'd make a rule with her that we'd never stay home two weekends in a row.
BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.
23. DON'T STOP TAKING HER ON NICE DATES.
When I was dating her, I'd have no problem paying a little more for nice dates. Twenty extra bucks for the ambiance of a nicer restaurant was no biggie when I wanted to charm her and make her feel worth it. I'd pay for nicer seats at the show. I'd get better seats at the basketball game. So why is it that after marriage, she was no longer worth it? Why was spending the money a waste instead of a valuable way to keep her feeling special Why did I stop going to shows and basketball games and everything else?
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I'd think she was special enough to spend a little extra cash on once in a while. I'd look at every extra dollar spent as an investment into our relationship. I'd keep apprised of her favorite bands and her favorite performing art shows and I'd surprise her with tickets before she even knew they were coming.
BONUS! nice dates lead to nice pictures on her phone which lead to everyone on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you're the damned coolest hubby on the planet.
28. MOVE AWAY FROM HER FAMILY. AND YOURS.
When we were first married, we would see my family all the time and her family almost as often. We spent almost every Sunday at my family's house, and a lot of weeknights and weekends at hers. We spent nearly every holiday with our families. And every special occasion, too. And while family is usually great, it really kept us from developing our own working family dynamic, our own traditions, and our own strengthened way of living and doing things. It drug us into unnecessary drama. And most of all, it kept us from learning to lean on each other during our rough patches instead of on our parents or siblings.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would move far away from both families for a year or two. I wouldn't come back until we'd been through at least a few big marital challenges on our own without the involvement of any family at all. That way, when we did come back, we'd be strong on our own and our families would be great supplements to our marriage instead of major players.
BONUS! when you make your own traditions, you can finally add things in that your parents weren't cool with. "And after we open our Christmas pajamas... everyone has to eat a pound of chocolate. And then they have to stand on their heads while screaming. And then they have to jump on their beds." Stuff like that.
The entire list can be found on his blog here:
What really struck me about the things he mentioned on his list were how many of them were really simple things that, for whatever reason, a lot of married couples stop (or start) doing after a while. I fully admit that I'm guilty of several of these things myself, and when you combine a few (or a lot of them) into one relationship, I think it's suddenly not all that surprising how many relationships fail. Even if you promise yourselves to one another "until death do you part," it can be difficult for a relationship to endure when someone stops trying to look good for their partner AND labels their partner with negative labels AND skips out on the things that are important to their partner AND emotionally distances themselves after a fight AND...
Everything on this list is, in the grand scheme of things, a relatively minor issue. He's not saying that he should stop beating his wife, or stop having an affair on the side, or start taking extravagant vacations that they can't afford. He's pointing out a lot of little things that, through routine or by some other means, find their way into our relationships and can cause a lot of harm. And I think that's the mistake that a lot of us make in relationships; thinking that those little things don't really matter all that much. Thinking that as long as you're basically a good person, working so many hours that you're never in the mood, or spending every weekend in front of the television, or pooping with the door open (yes, that's on the list) is something that you shouldn't have to worry about.
What I love about this article is that it really made me realize several ways that I'm not being the best husband I can be. I've fallen into the trap of getting so comfortable in my relationship that I've stopped or started doing a lot of these things... and then convincing myself that I'm basically a good guy, so why is my wife so upset about [whatever it is she's upset about]?"
For anyone who's interested in reading through his list... is there anything in there that you see in your own relationship?
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November 12, 2012 at 2:46pm November 12, 2012 at 2:46pm
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I'm sure this will sound blasphemous (good thing I'm living in Orange County now!), but I've never been a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers. They may be one of the most successful basketball franchises in history, but I've always felt like the team carries itself with a certain level of entitlement. Many on the team (and many more of their fans) have this sense of indignation whenever the team fails to make it to the finals, win a championship, etc. And with the latest news, it doesn't seem like they've humbled themselves any.
The sensational Phil Jackson (coached teams to 11 different NBA Championships) left at the end of the 2010-2011 season. They hired Mike Brown to replace him, and Brown coached the team to the playoffs in the 2011-2012 season and had a 1-4 start to the 2012-2013 season before being unceremoniously fired by the management. For having a losing record after only five games of an eight-two game season?  I'm sure there were many other considerations that went into the decision, but it sure seems a hell of a lot like they didn't give the new coach a lot of leniency when it came to winning. After *only* making it to the playoffs last year and losing four of the first five games of the season, that's enough to give someone the boot?
Basketball isn't my sport of choice anyway, so maybe that has something to do with it, but this seems like an incredibly rash decision made by panicked executives who worry that there's a possibility their team might *gasp* actually not win the championship or make the playoffs this year. Since the 1993-1994 season, the Lakers have failed to make the playoffs only twice (the last time was since 2004-2005). I know, I know... everyone wants to win... but they just fired a coach with $11 million left on his contract after only five games of the season? That's less than 7% of the total games they'll play this year!
I've noticed the same thing in television series, something that's more aligned with my interests. Ever notice how shows will be canceled after two or three episodes? Or just as bad, moved around from time slot to time slot when they aren't instant hits that beat the ratings of every other network's shows? I don't know what it is with the currently level of impatience everyone has, but when did we start expecting success to the point that we start thinking about cutting our losses before anyone really has a chance to see how things play out?
Fire Mike Brown if you've lost twelve of the first fifteen, or fifteen of the first twenty... not after losing four of the first five.
Pull a TV show from the schedule when it's under performed most other shows on the same time slot for several weeks... not after it finishes second to AMERICAN IDOL two weeks in a row.
Chastise someone for not calling you back after a day or two... not twenty minutes after you leave them a message.
There's such an expectation of instant success or instant getting-what-you-want in this culture that I wonder how many good or even great things we're missing because we never give them a chance. I miss the times when networks would give a show a whole season to see if it was successful. Or the times when an employer would give an employee (and vice versa) a year of their time before writing off the job as a bad fit and jumping ship. I miss the days where people actually gave things a chance for a little while before jumping to the next thing... and I often wonder what could have been if people would just stay the course a little longer.
Maybe Mike Brown would have been a total disaster this year. Maybe his successor, Mike D'Antoni, will give the Lakers their precious championship and will be the change they needed in the franchise. Maybe not. We'll never really know because Mike Brown wasn't ever given a chance to turn his season around.
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November 9, 2012 at 4:07pm November 9, 2012 at 4:07pm
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Now that it's all said and done, here are my thoughts on the election (including California's ballot measures). Please note that these are my individual thoughts, which anyone is free to disagree with if they feel otherwise.
PRESIDENTIAL RACE: Barack Obama re-elected
I voted for Obama for three reasons. First, I didn't believe that Mitt Romney had a viable game plan. He talked a lot about creating jobs and fixing the economy and doing things differently that Obama, but I didn't see many concrete details. The economy is slowly recovering and while I agree that we haven't seen the change that we hoped to see by now, nothing in Romney's speeches, campaign materials, or talking points led me to believe that he has a clear and better plan for the direction our country is headed. I have no doubt where Romney wants to see us go, but I also don't feel like he communicated any specifics about how he plans to get us there. Second, even Romney's plan called for budget that would only be balanced after ten years... after even his second term. Obama's plan is slowly making progress and I don't see why Obama only gets four years to fix everything if even Romney says it can't be done in less than eight. Things aren't ideal yet, but they're getting better and are significantly better than they were in 2008, so I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the guy who wants to keep us on course rather than try something radically different. And third, I just don't trust Romney. He changed his position numerous times on key issues like abortion, foreign policy, the size and role of the federal government in disaster relief, etc. While I do think that the "Moderate Mitt" of the latter half of the election would have made a perfectly fine President, there's also that part of him during the primaries that was as a hardcore, ultraconservative right-winger... and I just didn't think we could be sure about which one would actually take office. All that said, I voted for Obama not because I think he's infallible... but because I think the country is slowly headed in the right direction and that he deserves the same eight years that every other candidate claimed to need in order for their plan to take shape.
U.S. SENATORIAL RACE: Dianne Feinstein re-elected
I actually like both of California's U.S. Senators, so I was happy to see Feinstein re-elected.
PROP 30: Passed
Quick Overview: Temporary income tax increase (for people making over $250K) and sales tax increase to fund public education and pay down state debt.
I obviously support this proposition, especially since my wife is a teacher and the public schools in California desperately need money. What I don't like about this prop is the fact that we were basically blackmailed into passing it (if it didn't pass, $6 billion in additional cuts to public schools would have gone into effect), and that there is a provision which allows the funds to be spent on state debt as well. While I am all for raising taxes on those who make more than $250,000 and seeing a slight bump to our sales tax in order to pay for this education reform, I'm on board. But I'm also desperately afraid that Sacramento politicians are going to mismanage the funds like they've done for the past several years, repeatedly taking money out of education and funneling it elsewhere. I support the prop, but I pray they actually use the money for schools like it's intended. I don't think the state can handle another fiasco where voters think they're voting in support of education and then schools don't ever actually see any of the money. 
PROP 31: Failed
Quick Overview: Budget reform; would have required legislature to approve a state budget for a two-year period rather than current one-year period.
Honestly, if we can barely keep the budget balanced as it is, I don't see how moving to a once-every-two-years budget requirement is going to help. We need more consistent oversight of how our budget is being handled, not less. The California legislature isn't exactly doing a great job of keeping our state funded... I think the budget needs to be more carefully managed, not less.
PROP 32: Failed
Quick Overview: Limited corporate and union political contributions.
On the surface, this one made sense. No one wants employers taking their employees' money and investing in their own political agenda. But that's not what this proposition was about. Due to the way it's written, it exempts Super PACs and big businesses from the legislation, which really means that the only people affected are unions and other organizations who actually get their money from their members' income. This was largely an attempt for special interests to try and remove the ability of unions and other organized labor to fund campaigns and opposition and, thankfully, the voters saw through it.
PROP 33: Failed
Quick Overview: Auto insurance reform.
Proponents of this proposition claimed that it would allow you to take your "good driver" discounts from one insurance company to another (you currently start from scratch when you change insurance companies and your driving history is not taken into consideration). However, there was also a clause that allowed insurance companies to raise rates if you've ever had a gap in your auto insurance coverage. So if you're a student getting their first car, or didn't have insurance for a period because you didn't need a car, your premiums would go up. An interesting fact is that this proposition was funded almost entirely (94% ... more than $16 million in total!) by George Joseph, the billionaire founder of Mercury Insurance. And as someone against the prop appropriately asked, "When was the last time the insurance industry did something in your best interests?" 
PROP 34: Failed
Quick Overview: Abolished the death penalty in favor of sentencing for life in prison.
For me, the death penalty has never been a huge issue. I don't fully support it and I don't vehemently oppose it. I voted for this prop because I do believe that, when you factor in the total cost of a death sentence (not just actually putting them to death but the entire legal appeals process that drags out and costs millions), it is cheaper to pay the costs to keep them in prison year after year. California isn't exactly an eager death penalty state like Texas either... the state has only executed three in the last ten years, and thirteen since 1976. A stark contrast to the 490 total executions in Texas or the 109 in Oklahoma or the 101 in Virginia during that same time period. Heck, Texas has executed the same number of people (so far) in 2012 as California has in the last 36 years!  . I voted for this prop because I feel like these tax dollars could better be spent elsewhere than pursuing the death penalty in a state that really doesn't use the death penalty except in extremely rare circumstances.
PROP 35: Passed
Quick Overview: Increase in sentencing for human trafficking offenses including prostitution, sexual slavery, etc.
Opponents of the bill cited its bad drafting and potential for abuse by prosecutors that won't actually provide a meaningful improvement to the lives of sex workers and those who have been a victim of human trafficking. But c'mon... the gist of the law is that it increases sentencing guidelines for people who engage in human trafficking. That's not a bad thing, and 81% of the state voters happen to agree.
PROP 36: Passed
Quick Overview: Amends the three strikes law to only apply in the case of "serious and violent" felonies.
For a long time, California has had the toughest three strikes law in the country. People could be convicted of three strikes (after three strikes, you can be sentenced to 25 years-to-life in prison) for nonviolent or other felonies that aren't "serious." While I'd contend that all felonies are serious, it was concerning to see that the list of strike offenses included arson, carjacking, gang allegation, aggravated assault, criminal threats, and conspiracy to commit any of a long list of felonies. Which means that someone who steals a car, burns down their house for the insurance money, then threatens someone not to report him could get the same 25-to-life sentence as a murderer or other violent offender. I support the fact that they're amending the law to give them leeway when considering which felonies to treat under the three strikes law. I certainly don't want dangerous or violent people out on the streets... but I also understand that we don't all live in happy, safe suburbs. Some of us grow up around gang influences and other criminal activity and I hate to think of some eighteen year old kid spending the rest of his life in prison for a few mistakes he made in his youth that didn't ultimately pose a serious or violent danger to anyone else. 
PROP 37: Failed
Quick Overview: Genetically modified food labeling requirements.
I'm at a loss when it comes to this proposition. The only thing I can say is that the big food and biotech conglomerates won by managing to convince enough voters that this additional labeling requirement would ruin small farms and cost the taxpayers millions. I'm not sure how adding the words "genetically engineered" to a package you're already labeling costs millions and millions (not to mention the fact that I don't know any small farms and local agriculture people who genetically engineer their foods), but somehow they managed to do it and we voted against requiring companies who use chemicals and other artificial products to label their products as such. Maybe one day people will realize that this kind of legislature costs practically nothing and doesn't deprive you of anything (you can still buy whatever you want at the grocery store)... but for now, score another one for biotech and them not being required to disclose whether the food you eat contains pesticides, chemicals, or other artificial additives. 
PROP 38: Failed
Quick Overview: Raised taxes to fund public education.
I'm really conflicted on this one. On the one hand, it's not nearly as vile as many opponents paint it to be. I posted a blog about this initiative early on and was shocked (okay, not really) to see that opponents grossly mischaracterized how much the average person would pay in additional taxes... but I also didn't like the way that this proposition locks itself in for the next twelve years, requires more infrastructure, and doesn't give us many options (short of another proposition to repeal it) to fix the new system in the event of corruption, mismanagement of funds, or flat-out failure to produce results. I was both happy and sad to see this fail; sad because I really think we need a ton of additional education funding and this one presumably couldn't be used to pay debt instead of finance schools... and happy because it was also a flawed proposition.
PROP 39: Passed
Quick Overview: Elimination of multi-state tax break for businesses.
I don't think the majority of voters (myself included) have any idea how taxes work for multi-state corporations, but hey, it's supposed to close whatever loopholes they have and bring that revenue back in-state.
PROP 40: Passed
Quick Overview: Redistricting
Considering the fact that the ballot information packet itself said the "No on Prop 40" proponents have changed their position and now support the proposition, I'm shocked that over 28% of voters still voted No.
MEASURE B: Passed
Quick Overview: Requires adult film actors to wear condoms
I confess that I couldn't actually vote on this measure since it was for Los Angeles County and I'm now a registered voter in Orange County, but I thought it was worth listing. The adult entertainment industry has long been headquartered in the San Fernando Valley just outside of Los Angeles, and this measure now requires adult film stars to wear condoms when they engage in sex acts on camera. On the one hand, I support the idea that safe sex should be promoted (both to protect the health of the actors as well as show audiences that using protecting is important), but I feel like this kind of requirement will only make adult film companies (who did not want this measure passed) shoot their films elsewhere. They can literally move their production operations to another nearby county like Ventura, Orange, San Bernardino, Riverside, Kern, etc. and avoid this requirement entirely. It will be interesting to see how the industry adapts to this new "safe sex" requirement. |
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