THANK GOD I am finally done reading Time-Life's "American Indians" series. It only took me, like, a year and a half.

Now to get started on the almost 300 other Indian-related books on my shelf.


 

So, whereabouts are the mild winter and lower heating bills they were calling for a month or so ago...? *looks around expectantly* *after getting frozen & dumped on by snow & paying a gas bill twice as big as last month*

Just a notice, in my next entry I'm going to post a very whiny and woebegone entry I typed up a day or so ago but slept on and refrained from posting due to its whini- and woebegoneness, but despite those it still expresses many of the frustrations I've been feeling lately. I'll be marking it members only for now just in case two of the people referred to in it, neither of whom is on this site as far as I'm aware, should see it and take offense as people tend to do whenever I whine and woebego.

I haven't read the next entry since typing it up so...

 

Suprisingly, Medicaid covered both medications, Elmiron (the non-generic) and "Atarax" (a generic, hydroxyzine, which is actually an antihistamine/anti-anxiety/sedative).

I was honestly kind of hoping it wouldn't cover the Elmiron since "hair loss" is a possible common side effect. If my hair starts falling out there is no way I am continuing this crap. Plus it says to take it three times a day, well before or after eating, and with a full cup of water. No way in frigging hell am I taking it with a full cup of water three times a day which is three cups (24oz) of water. I can drink only 24oz of tea in an entire day, plus a little water, and that only after 4PM, without my bladder starting to go haywire with all the urine, and even then it still acts up, so no thank you, I'll have to do with just a swallow. Stupid-ass medications for a disorder I probably don't even have. Stupid-ass doctor who can't even listen to plain English.

I guess I'm to start taking them tomorrow, the generic one at bedtime as it's a sedative, and see if they at least make my bladder less twingy while I wait three months to see the doctor and tell him AGAIN that the problem is still there. While this disorder could explain my oversensitivity, it doesn't explain my output, and I read that "pain" is a symptom described by 100% of people with interstitial cystitis. I have no pain. Just extreme discomfort, which, IMO, is just as bad as pain so to me personally yes, is pain, but I'm fairly certain it doesn't count as pain to doctors, so no, I do not have bladder pain. I've told them this repeatedly. So I haven't any idea how he made this diagnosis aside from the fact that I happen to go to the bathroom a lot, BECAUSE I HAVE TO FRIGGING PEE A LOT.

I'm tired of this and have to pee so tar.

 

I could go the usual route and type up an entry regarding my doctor visit of 12/2, but later that night had a dream that allowed me the perfect opportunity to explain it in enough depth, and it's much easier to just recycle that here from my dream journal rather than expend the time and energy on another entry when I have little energy to spare, so here you go.

No, at first glance this dream really doesn't look like it's related to my doctor visit. So this entry will do the double duty of illustrating how something so seemingly pointless can become more than a "meaningless firing of neurons" (see 3/25/09 and 10/4/09--no, I will never let that jackass live that comment down) once you really look at it.

**********

I'm no watcher of the show--tonight's was the only episode I've ever seen, hence I have no clue what's going on--but--

Is it just me or were those totally MIBs on tonight's episode of Fringe??

I used to have bad dreams that the MIBs were coming to get me. (This was many years before the goofy Will Smith movies.) ZOMG I have not thought about the MIBs in years. I used to always freak out whenever a helicopter flew over or a big black car drove by. Ha. *is a dork*

 

Good Lord, do the bizarre reviews never end?

I will probably regret posting this in haste, but...it must be read to be believed.

Today somebody commented on "A Crack Of Light," one of my favorite stories (it's highlighted on my port), telling me they'd sure like to see something new and current, something I "just wrote today," because I am what I do, not what I did. (Paraphrased.)

WTF??

Don't tell me people read my work because they have some hankering to know "who I am" based on "what I do"? I honestly thought I was just posting my writing to entertain people, not to be subjected to some psychological test.

Not to mention there were absolutely no comments on the quality of the writing itself (which, because it was written several years ago and, gosh darn it, isn't "current," merits a 3.5 rating).

This is the reply I sent since it was anonymous. I haven't anything against that, since I understand wanting to be anonymous, but on the other hand, it's a bit creepy that some anonymous person is so desperate to know "who I am" based on "what I'm currently doing (writing)." I thought that's what my blog was for, not my fiction. Seriously. You want to know who a writer is, read their autobiography; otherwise, just enjoy their fiction for what it is--fiction.

The reply:

Unfortunately, work that I "just wrote today" isn't yet available for viewing seeing as my writing goes through a proofreading process before being posted, and also because I mainly write in serials where there are many chapters to be posted before the most current ones. It can be months or even years before my most "current" work sees the light of the Net. That doesn't mean the work isn't still current to me, the writer. If it were no longer representative of how I write, I would include a disclaimer on it.

This story is written in the style I still use today, so it's still representative of how I write today. I find it odd to give it a 3.5-star rating (without any actual commentary on the writing quality or lack thereof) just because it happened to have been written several years ago and you happen to want to read something written "today." Perhaps you can browse the newest CREATED items as opposed to most recently MODIFIED? You will be likely to come across many unfinished items by people who posted them immediately without any thought for proofing or editing.

I'm not calling my work publishable or classic by any means, but according to your argument, would you eschew reading a published work that was written several years ago just because of that fact, that it wasn't written "today"? I'm pretty sure most published works weren't written the day the reader reads them. Does that nullify their worth?

Sorry, but my writing process does not work that way.

I am both what I did AND what I now do. It's called history, and everybody has one, else they have nothing on which to base the present and future. I'm also rather puzzled that you should care who "I am," when my goal here is just to share my writing, not convince people who or what I am based on what I do or did. Judge the story for the story, not for the author behind it. You really can't tell who or what I am by reading this story alone; since you offered no comments on the writing itself, I wonder if you did read it, or just looked at the creation date and decided that since it's a few years old, it must be stale.

I do strongly suggest that when you search for works to read on this site, you sort by most newly created so you can find something more along the lines of what you're looking for. Do be prepared for a lot of unpolished work, though.

Seriously. I wonder if they would refuse to read King's The Stand because it's not his latest book, or anything by Dickens because he's dead and so of course none of his work is current or representative of "who he is" (i. e., most likely a dusty old skeleton). I wouldn't bother posting my writing if I felt it had no current value whatsoever, and anyone who knows me has seen that I put big fat disclaimers on anything written so long ago that my style has changed. Even if my style has changed, however (e. g., as in the case of Manitou Island), that doesn't mean all the content must be crap since it was written almost a decade ago. I wouldn't even edit the stuff to show up in the listings again if I thought it was so lousy, so "not me." Notice the items in my port that haven't been modified in months or years? THAT is usually the stuff that is no longer representative of who I am or what I do. Yet even it has its purpose--it's part of who I WAS, which contributed to who I am today. Otherwise it wouldn't be posted at all. Is "current" writing the only worthwhile writing there is anymore? Is history pointless because it's not the present? Color me surprised. According to this logic, this reader wouldn't care to read even something I wrote today because by the time they get around to reading it, it will have been written several hours ago, or yesterday, or last week even, and of course that's what I did, thus not who I am.

You do realize that ANYTHING I write, even if written today, is already something I did and am not currently doing? Therefore, ANYTHING I write is not representative of who I am because it has already happened and is already written. According to this line of reasoning, the only writing that would be representative of who I am would be the stuff I haven't even written yet. And how can writing that doesn't even exist represent who I am right now? Cripes on a stick, this is confusing. I thought this was Writing.com, not Philosophy.com.

When all is said and done, "A Crack Of Light" is still VERY much representative of "who I am," seeing as I'm always thinking about the characters and situations in that particular story. Same goes with most of my other work, even the stuff I wrote when I was twelve. That stuff made me who I am today and will influence who I am tomorrow. What I "did" is very much a big part of who I "am." Not that any of this should matter to somebody just looking for something entertaining to read--most people who read my work really couldn't give a flip who I am!

Seriously. Why do I keep getting these people. Must I now include disclaimers that it's just my writing, read it for what it is and not for who or whatever the hell is the writer behind it?

I really could have used a talk with Psychologist today. WTF seriously.

 

Well that's embarrassing, I was so caught up in posting my previous entry that I neglected to delete the asterisks next to "narcissist" and "vacuum," there to remind me to check their spelling. I guess I need a reminder to remind myself.

Psychologist has cancelled again. I really could have talked to her tomorrow, too. *sigh*
 

Typed up last night to vent. This is not in response to anyone currently reading this journal; the people who inspired this probably wouldn't even bother glancing at my journal anyway.

I don't understand why people get in touch with me if they don't have the time to actually correspond beyond a trivial "Hi there, bye" every so often. I don't want to write to people if that's all they have time for. I really don't feel like wasting my time and effort on people if they don't have the time or inclination to put any effort into an actual friendship. If casual, random "Hi there, how you doing?--bye" was all I really wanted from people, I would be set, but I honestly don't care for such "correspondence." To me, that's not a friendship. It's nothing much, really. It seems like I'm always getting people wanting to write to me or get in touch yet all they ever have time for is the barest "Hi there, how are you?--okay, bye," and it just pisses me off. If you really can't/won't commit, then don't bother me. I don't want to hear it.

Even more disheartening...I don't even know how to phrase it. I'm just so fed up with it all. People accuse me of being the one unwilling to make friends. That's a load of bullshit. The amount of people who've just about bitten my head off when I called them out on what lousy "friends" they were being rather tells that this is the truth--why else would they get so defensive? Friendship is supposed to be reciprocal and that means that *I* am not going to be the one to put all the damn effort into it. Yet you'd think that I'm the only one expected to. If I fail to reply to somebody, or to be interested enough in their lives, I'm called asocial and told that, well gee, maybe that's why I have no friends. Bull. I know I can be a damn good friend if others would only put equal effort into the thing. I can't count how many times people have gotten in touch with me, all excited, and then have commenced chattering about THEIR lives and THEIR interests and what THEY'RE up to and how THEY'RE doing. All the while completely overlooking or dismissing the fact that hey, maybe *I* have things I want/need to share, too. Yes, I will say things like, "Things haven't been going too well, but I won't bother you with the annoying details" or "I've just been doing stuff, I won't bore you with any of it," but since when does that mean I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT? Anybody can see that these responses actually mean, "I do want to talk about things of importance/interest to me, but I've had so many damn people shoot me down or turn away in disinterest that I've learned to just shut up, I really hope you understand what I really mean and won't act like all the others and will bother to ACTUALLY ASK ME ABOUT MY LIFE AND INTERESTS AND SHOW SOME INTEREST IN ME AS A PERSON."

But no. Nobody ever does. Either they take my very thinly veiled attempts at opening up two-way communication at face value (meaning they must be the most remarkably dense people in the world), or they really don't care to hear about what's important to ME ("Oh thank goodness," I can hear them thinking, "she's reluctant to talk about herself, I'll just talk about myself then!"), they just want to talk about THEMSELVES, and the one-way communication commences. Of course when somebody talks about themselves, themselves, themselves, I won't have much to say in return. Don't get me wrong. I know how to show interest even in things that bore me to tears when the other person shows interest in my life in return. I know how to reciprocate. But other people don't. And if you're really not going to bother putting effort into letting ME talk about MY stuff, then hell no am I going to be interested in hearing YOU talk about YOUR stuff. Meaning I'll become quiet and unresponsive. And then inevitably be accused of not being a very good friend and of, gee, not putting enough effort into it. So of course it's my fault when yet another potential "friend" wanders off in disinterest or disgust.

Bullshit.

I'm not interested in beads or beading in the least. I really don't care. It's not my thing. It is, however, my mother's thing. I haven't anybody I really discuss my own interests with in any detail so I'll just use my mother as an example of how it should work. She's crazy about beading whereas I really don't care. Imagine, however, she's not my mother but a potential friend. I know how good it feels when somebody shows interest in your own passion. So when I see her working on something, I'll ask her about her latest project. When she asks me for my opinion on color choices, I'll give it and give my reasons why some things work or don't work. I'll compliment her completed items. When she shows me designs or patterns in magazines I'll comment on them. When she loses or breaks something I'll commiserate. I'll congratulate her when she gets something done or sells something. I won't just sit and wait for her to make all the first comments--I'll initiate a few of my own. Even though I really do not care about beads or beading, all this stuff I will do, because I know this is what she wants/needs to hear, and just because it's not my area of interest doesn't make my comments any less sincere.

Now imagine that, in return, even if she weren't that interested in writing or mythology or Mackinac Island or whatnot, she were to congratulate me when I finish a story, or offer comments when I toss an idea at her, or ask about my latest trip and what I saw, or commiserate when I complain about some part of the writing process, or ask a few questions now and then should I mention some plot point, in short, put SOME effort into at least appearing interested in what I do, the same way I show interest in what SHE does even if we're really not into what each other does. When somebody shows more interest in what you do, of course you'll show more interest in them. It's the plain truth that people love to talk about themselves. I'm no exception. I have no problem with this fact, except that whenever people contact me, they don't seem to understand that hello, I'd like it too, if they'd show some damn interest in me and not just yak about themselves. Not only do people love talking about themselves, but most people hate when others talk ONLY about themselves. Make sense?

And perhaps I wouldn't always end up falling silent and being accused of gee, being such a lousy friend who doesn't put any effort into it if OTHERS WOULD PUT THE FRIGGING EFFORT INTO IT. Perhaps I wouldn't be so inclined to always say, "I don't want to bore you with the details" if people would show genuine interest in the first place and not brush me off so quickly. Of course I won't be interested in communicating if it's going to be one way only, if it's going to be all YOU YOU YOU, if every single time you take my "I won't bore you with my stuff" at face value (come on, like anyone believes that line?--that somebody would not be interested in talking about themselves?) and commence just talking about yourself and not bothering to ever ask any more about ME. Of course I'll eventually show more interest in you if you do the same for me, and put some effort into it, by actually asking about me and my interests and such. Instead of

"Hey, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, nothing of interest, really."

"Oh well, I guess that's fine. Wow, I had such fun with my family last night, we went here and there and such, then I worked on this and that, then my friend so-and-so came over, we had so much fun, bla bla bla, well, write to me any time, hear from you later!"

...how about actually putting EFFORT into it to come up with something like

"Hey, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, nothing of interest, really."

"Ah now, you know that's not true. I remember you're really into writing, are you working on anything right now?"

"Well, I'm working on such-and-such, but I really don't want to bore you with the details."

"You won't bore me, I'd really like to hear about it, it sounds interesting. Speaking of interesting, you won't believe what happened with my family last night, we went here and there and such, then I worked on this and that, then my friend so-and-so came over, we had so much fun. What else are you doing besides this project? Have you gone anywhere lately? I seem to recall you like Mackinac Island too, anything to say about that? Don't feel like you're boring me, I really like being back in touch. I really look forward to hearing from you soon!"

...etc. If you bother showing some interest in my life and interests, and actually put some effort into it instead of brushing me off and focusing entirely on yourself, then I'm going to start asking you about your life, and then there will be some actual two-way communication--AKA friendship.

Notice I also got rid of the ultimate copout, "Write to me any time." That, to me, is not and never has been an open invitation to two-way communication. Instead, it just screams that this person is regretting having contacted me, finds me boring, and would rather dump the entire burden for maintaining the communication onto MY shoulders, making ME keep contacting THEM if I want to keep in touch, and if I don't bother contacting them (even if they haven't really left me anything to respond to, since they've been too busy talking completely about themselves and not asking me about myself in return), then gee, I must not want to hear from them that much. How about instead of "Write to me any time!" YOU actually write to ME--and ask me how I'm really doing? And don't just take my "I don't want to bother you with the details" at face value, because come on, everybody wants to talk about themselves. The thing is, I've simply learned that nobody wants to listen...so of course I'll say I don't want to bother people with what interests me, I'm sick and tired of pouring my heart out to others only to have them brush it all off and yak about themselves, themselves, themselves. Like I said, eventually, when people neglect to make the communication go two ways, you just learn to shut up. And are then accused of being asocial. Bullshit. I'm only asocial because everyone else taught me they're narcissists.* Both the states of "asocial" and "narcissist"* exist in a vacuum.* Of course neither will go two ways. Perhaps if more people bothered putting effort into making communication go both ways, I wouldn't be so damn asocial. Perhaps I'd even be more willing to put the first effort into making friends, rather than waiting for others to act, or might be more receptive in the first place instead of so distant (you wouldn't believe how many people have carped, "Well, I tried to be your friend, but you didn't reply!"--yeah, now you see why not?--a hundred times bitten, a million times shy), if others would do the same.

I used to love reading--or rather, trying to read--my stories and magazine articles and such to family members, and sharing my interests with other people, until, over and over and over, I was told to go bother somebody else, they were too busy, go find something else to do. Of course when that's the only message you get your entire life, you'll learn to just shut up and keep it to yourself, even when people insist they do want to hear it. Especially when people insist they do want to hear it, then they take your "I don't want to bore you" at face value and prove they don't want to hear it. I actually replied to somebody recently with, "I haven't been doing very well lately but I won't bother you with the annoying details" and all I got in return was a bunch of chattering about how they've been doing and what they've been up to. They didn't bother to show any more concern about me in the least. Am I honestly the only one who would read a comment like that and would reply with "It wouldn't bother me, I genuinely want to know. What's been going wrong? Is there anything I can do to help? Please don't feel like you'd be annoying me, that's what I'm here for"? Seriously? Are people really so self-centered that they can't read between the lines and see what such comments are REALLY saying? If I really didn't want to talk about myself, I would just not make such comments in the first place. I can't believe the rest of the world would be so dense, so that must mean the rest of the world is just that self-centered. I find that very discouraging. Nobody wants to put any effort into friendship anymore. The "friendships" that I see people engage in online seem like mere acquaintanceships to me; there's little depth to them, just a bunch of "Hi there how you doing well write to me whenever you want bye"s. I'm mystified that when I state I want something more than that, people bitch at me for expecting so much, when, as I was growing up, "so much" was what was called friendship. Now it's just called "being demanding." When did friendship become so shallow, so not worth putting effort into? When did friendship become all about writing at each other and not to each other?

I hate how long my paragraphs in this are. I probably could have said it all a lot shorter, but then you wouldn't have to put any effort into reading it, and perhaps that proves my point. People just don't care anymore. Like I said, I find this discouraging, but whenever I say that I'm just told to stop expecting so damn much, people have more important things to do than be friends.

Whenever I see Psychologist and talk about how lonely and discouraged I feel, about how I have to cling to my pathetic belief that feeding wild birds makes me of some tiny use to the world, she always says, "You really need a friend." Yes, I do. But nobody seems interested in investing the effort in being one. It's certainly not been because of a lack of effort on my part, despite what almost everyone who's tried and failed to befriend me would have you think. I'm more than willing to be a good friend. If others would do the same. I'm not going to shoulder all the work anymore, only to be blamed when it falls through.

When I was growing up, "friends" showed a genuine reciprocal interest in each other. I wonder when such a thing as this became a rarity. It must have happened between 1997-2000, when I was pretty much out of contact with the entire outside world. I wonder if the Internet caused it or if I just happened to be extra fortunate when I was little or if I'm just extra unfortunate now, but it really does seem to me that what I considered "friendship" when I was young is considered too much effort by most of the world now. Very pathetic.

So yes, I'm asocial. I appear not to be a very good friend. I'm self-centered. But just because that's what everyone else is and what everyone else taught me to be. I could be the best friend in the world...for somebody who'd be willing to do the same in return. Seeing as that seems like too much effort for most people...I'm going to keep being asocial and a "lousy friend." I really do not think my expectations are that high. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. People just need to realize that applies not only to them but to others, and then act accordingly.

 

Last night it finally happened. I didn't get to sleep until after 4AM.

I'm going back to fasting fluids, taking in at most 2-3 cups a day, and that only after 4PM. Don't know how helpful that'll be since yesterday I only took in 3 cups and look what happened anyway. The medication has my mouth as dry as leather but I still have over two weeks left to go. I might very well just quit the stupid shit because it's obviously not helping any. If losing over 70oz in a day when I've drunk only 30-40oz isn't proof enough that something's wrong, then I don't know what is.

Output has been quite low all day since around 1PM. I can only hope I can sleep maybe a little bit tonight, though probably not. It feels like it's starting to act up again.

One of the people I mentioned in my next-to-last entry was probably the best and only real friend I've ever had in life. Somebody I longed to get back in touch with, but also rather hoped wouldn't, just so I could hold on to the hope that if we could get back in touch, we'd become the friends we once were. She finally found me and got back in touch. And has apparently forgotten my existence already. Just as I feared would happen. Now my last positive memory of childhood is gone, if someone who I felt was so close, someone who influenced so much of who I am and what I do, can forget me so quickly. It seems that people always leave a much greater impression on me than I leave on them. I genuinely feel that when I'm gone, I will not have left a lasting impression on anyone or anything around me. At least, that's the message I keep getting. I've reached out to so many people, written so many words, done so much that I can, for what? It could all be gone tomorrow without a trace and the world would be no different without me in it. In fact, it would probably be better.

Just life crushing me, as always.

 

Cripes, now today (aside from a strange 5oz flareup around 10-11AM) I'm as dry as a bone, including my mouth. I guess I'm one of the lucky 3 out of 5 to experience that lovely side effect. Aside from that, I notice nothing from this drug. Since I've barely been putting out anything almost all day, I suppose that means it'll act up tonight. In fact I think I'm starting to feel twinges. -_- (Yesterday I ended up putting out 71oz within 24 hours--almost 9 cups.) Why the hell this can't just even out already, I don't understand.

I'm thinking I might write up new introductory notes to each of my short stories as the ones I currently have are pretty lame. E. g., on one of my MI stories, about the only thing I say is, "This is where she came from, you know who I mean," when of course most people stumbling upon my writing have no clue it all ties in to preexisting series so of course they have no idea who I mean. In fact, eventually I hope to put a note on every single chapter of everything I've ever written for the morons who don't understand that a title like, say, "Part 71" means This is part 71 of a story which is most likely the sequel to another story so that's why it will make no sense to you if you read just this. Yeah, I know that sounds bitchy, but honestly, it doesn't take a mental giant to realize that OF COURSE a story won't make sense if you're jumping in like a few hundred chapters too late. But you'd be surprised how many people have no idea why this is so. Like asking me why Charmian talks so modern. Dumbass.

Tar...